Politicians Practice Vaccination Vacillation

Department of Health and Human Services

Department of Health and Human Services

(Washington, DC — February 4, 2015) – Playing to their base, politicians have entered the fray of an age-old question: To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

Meanwhile, average, ordinary, everyday Americans are hoping for a “mute” vaccine to use on these politicians.

Ever since a recent measles outbreak in California, vaccination has been a hot topic in the United States. Many feel that vaccinations are unsafe for children, causing conditions such as autism. Most others, including health care professionals, feel vaccinations are the best way to keep nearly-eradicated diseases from returning.

Then there are those who use the excuse of Big Government to stake out unhealthy positions.

Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ), conducting his important gubernatorial duties by traveling to the United Kingdom, endorsed the rights of parents to opt out of having their children immunized.

Chris Christie (R-NJ)

Chris Christie

Critics immediately piled on.

“Someone who’s not in the health care field shouldn’t be dispensing advice for staying healthy,” said a health care professional, speaking on condition of anonymity. “If you’re not a doctor, and you’re not a nurse, you should just keep your mouth shut. I mean, this guy isn’t even a Ph.D!”

“Someone who’s morbidly obese shouldn’t be dispensing advice for staying healthy,” said another health care professional, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) also made the unwise decision of entering the vaccine debate. Paul, who really is a doctor, recently gave a television interview stating he knew of “many tragic cases of walking, talking, normal children, who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.”

Attempting to backtrack and show his support for vaccinations, Paul received a Hepatitis A booster to illustrate the lack of danger involved with immunization.

Rand Paul (R-KY) Receives Vaccine for Mental Disorders

Rand Paul (R-KY)
Receives Vaccine
for Mental Disorders

Following the booster shot, Paul began talking about how the poor in America are “enormously better off than the rest of the world.” He also stated that opposing the provision in the Civil Rights Act that bars private businesses from denying services to black people, members of the LGBT community, or any other minority group is actually a good thing. Medical staff present feared an adverse reaction to the vaccine.

“No, no, that’s the way he always talks,” said a Paul spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yeah, it’s disgusting, but we’re used to it.”

The insanity over vaccinations spread to the unsanitary as Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) declared restaurant employees shouldn’t be required to wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Citing far-reaching regulation on businesses, Tillis said he didn’t “have any problem” with a business opting out of the hand-washing regulation as long as a sign stating “We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom” was clearly posted for patrons to read.

Failure to wash one’s hands after using the bathroom has been proven to cause all sorts of medical conditions, such as: diarrhea, Diarrhea of the Mouth, E.coli, Foot-in-Mouth Disease, human leaking, Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease, influenza, Norovirus, Patronizing Verbal Diarrhea, Salmonella, and vomiting.

Tillis’ comments go far beyond the incredulity level set by New Jersey several years ago when the state’s legislators attempted to declare September “Wash Your Hands Month.”

“So … people were only supposed to wash their hands in September?” asked a New Jersey historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “In the end, the legislation never passed because the state’s legislators wisely decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.”

Thom Tillis (R-NC) "Real Men Don't Wash Their Hands After Defecating!"

Thom Tillis (R-NC)
“Real Men Don’t
Wash Their Hands
After Defecating!”

FLATLINEgov correspondents went to Tillis’ current hometown – Huntersville, NC – and stopped by his favorite restaurant, La Peste, to hear the staff weigh in on the hand-washing debate.

“Absolutely,” said a kitchen staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity, when asked if hand-washing after bathroom use should be optional. “It’s a free choice for all Americans.”

FLATLINEgov later learned that the kitchen staff member was actually from Guatemala and in the country illegally.

Another kitchen staff member proudly admitted that they never washed their hands during the day, especially after using the bathroom.

“No!” they replied when asked whether the uproar would make him change his hygiene habits. “I have never washed my hands for Senator Tillis’ orders. Why start washing now?”