(New York, NY — February 10, 2015) – NBC today suspended Brian Williams, its lead anchor and host of NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, for six months without pay.
And, as part of his punishment, the show will be re-named NBC Nightly Lies with Brian Williams upon his return.
Friends, family, and supporters immediately concerned themselves not with the reasons for his suspension, but rather the $5 million in salary Williams will lose from the suspension.
Williams’ suspension is a situation of his own making. On February 4, he admitted embellishing a 2003 story at the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom. The original story had his Chinook helicopter being shot down by ground fire. In truth, the rocket-propelled grenade (RPG) did not shoot down his helicopter. Additionally, he arrived on the scene of the helicopter that was actually shot down about an hour after the incident.
Since being caught in the helicopter lie, other stories have been investigated and found to be untrue as well.
“He lied about seeing floating dead bodies in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina,” said a spokesman for NBC, speaking on condition of anonymity. “His area of New Orleans didn’t take on water, so there’s no way a body ‘floated by’ his hotel window.”
In spite of the suspension, multiple investigations continue.
“We’re looking into his claim of accompanying General George Washington during his crossing of the Delaware in December 1775,” said an investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity.
“He says he had a one-on-one interview with Robert E. Lee after Gettysburg,” said another investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we haven’t been able to verify anything yet.”
In the meantime, Williams has begun the Brian Williams Apology Tour.
“He deeply regrets misleading the American pubic,” said a Williams spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now, that’s misleading. Not lying. We don’t use the ‘L’ word around here.”
As word of his suspension spread, offers of solace and assistance poured in to Williams’ office.
“I hope he doesn’t have to sell a few of his houses,” said a spokesman for Mitt Romney (R-MA), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Mitt knows what it’s like for the 53% to struggle during hard times. And he stands ready to help Brian make up part of the $5 million shortfall. After all, we can’t have Brian Williams living in his Bentley. Or, God forbid, a Lexus!”
Knowing something about lying, Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly spoke out in defense of Brian Williams on Monday night.
“He’s the biggest lying sack of [explicative] to ever grace television,” said an O’Reilly spokesman of his boss, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And he’s still on television, telling falsehoods and writing ludicrous books. That’s what average, ordinary, everyday Americans want, and that’s what he gives them.”
Some industry analysts interpreted O’Reilly’s defense as a death sentence for Williams.
“If this is the caliber of person who’s standing up for you, the game is pretty much over,” said an industry analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Time to look for another job in another field. Of course, the only field which guarantees you can stay employed and lie at the same time is politics.”