Manson Getting Married Over His Dead Body

Fun Times! Charles Manson and Geraldo Rivera, 1988

Fun Times!
Charles Manson and
Geraldo Rivera, 1988

(Corcoran, CA — February 10, 2015) – It is often said that couples want each other for their bodies, referring to a level of physical attraction that is often the basis for relationships and, in some cases, marriage.

Leave it to Charles Manson to add a witchy aspect to this premise.

2014 was a busy year for the mass-murderer:

The Happy Couple! Charles Manson and Afton Elaine Burton

The Happy Couple!
Charles Manson and
Afton Elaine Burton

Speaking to the last point, it now appears that Burton only wanted to marry Manson for his body – specifically, his dead body.


Sources have confirmed that Burton planned to make money with Manson’s corpse by enclosing it in a glass case. Visitors to California’s version of Lenin’s Tomb would pay money to see the expired serial killer.

Marrying Manson would have guaranteed her access to his remains, though Manson has claimed repeatedly that he plans to live forever and never agreed to the marriage.

Circumventing his spokesman, Manson spoke to FLATLINEgov directly, albeit briefly:

“You think you’re gonna lock Charlie in a box, just like you lock Charlie in a cell, but I can’t be locked in a box or a cell, because I’m free and floatin’ around, dig? You can’t listen when your head’s in a glass box, Jack!

“Marriage? Nah, we were just playin’ for consumption, dig? Marriage?! I don’t know. I’ve got the Eye of the Tiger and I don’t know who to kill first, Jack!”

Even local restaurants had planned on cashing in, though some questioned the premise as somewhat tasteless – since the whole idea of Manson in a glass coffin isn’t tasteless enough.

ISIS (aka ISIL and IS and Daesh and AQIC)

(aka ISIL and IS and Daesh and AQIC)

“‘Manson Under Glass’?” asked a restaurant critic, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I don’t think it would catch on.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is busy checking to see if Burton’s plans have anything to do with terrorism – specifically, Islamic Fundamentalism.

In October, ISIS – also known as “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Daesh” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq (AQIC)” – announced Operation Stinking Corpse – named “in honor” of Senator John McCain (R-AZ), who spent much of his 2008 presidential campaign using the “stinking corpse” phrase – which threatened to deliver Ebola-ridden corpses 6,200 miles – via catapult – to the American homeland.

National Institutes of Health

National Institutes of Health

And the National Institutes of Health (NIH) has taken issue with Burton’s plans, claiming that there is a long-standing agreement between the agency and the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) regarding Manson’s corpse.

“We’re the ones who are supposed to take possession,” said a NIH spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We get to examine his brain to find out why he was the way he was. And how he was, in the end, something witchy.”

Observing the latest act in the Manson Circus, some took it in stride.

“Am I surprised that anything to do with Manson borders on the edge of reality?” asked a criminologist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Not at all. But, is this a new one, even for Charlie? Of corpse!”