Storm Totals Top Tenacious Topper’s Top Transvaluation

Winter Storm Pandora: February 21 – 22, 2015

Winter Storm Pandora:
February 21 – 22, 2015
photo courtesy of
Sick Bird Photography

(Washington, DC — February 21, 2015) – As the 16th named winter storm of 2014-2015 – Winter Storm Pandora – pummeled the East Coast, many Washingtonians found themselves once again shaking their heads at the National Weather Service (NWS).

Sixteen storms, 16 missed forecasts, 100% lack of accuracy.

Once again, the NWS, the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the Washington Post’s Capital Weather Gang (CWG), and local weather services were wrong about the storm’s intensity.

This time, however, was different. With the previous 15 storms, dire predictions turned out to be dustings of snow – or no snow at all. For Pandora, the storm predicted to dump 1″-3″ of snow on Washington instead dumped 8″-10″.

“We realize the inaccurate forecasts are becoming a real problem for average, ordinary, everyday Americans,” said a NOAA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We want average, ordinary, everyday Americans to know that we’re going to get to the bottom of this. And what better way to get to the bottom of this than to commission several multi-million dollar investigative reports to figure out just what’s going on.

“I just hope they don’t make us hire guys with degrees in Meteorology. Like we’d have the budget for that!”

Brian Williams

Brian Williams

Breaking News!

NBC’s Brian Williams, born in 1959, claims to have provided firsthand coverage of the Great Blizzard of 1947, which dumped 26.4″ of snow in New York City from December 25-26. The surprise storm produced snowdrifts of 10 feet and killed 77.

More details to follow …

Tenacious Topper Shutt

Topper Shutt

Once again, CBS’ DC affiliate (WUSA-9) followed the lead of its crack weatherman, Tenacious Topper Shutt, and once again found itself led astray.

“With Winter Storm Juno, [Shutt] scared the hell out of everybody when he said the storm would be major,” said a DC-area resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It wasn’t. So now he’s gone the other way by not warning people about the weather.”

“This guy has been so inaccurate that he couldn’t predict darkness during a nighttime blackout!” exclaimed another DC-area resident, referring to Shutt and speaking on condition of anonymity. “If he’d spend his time actually doing his job – predicting the weather – instead of coming up with cutesy nicknames, we’d all be in better shape.

Capital Weather Gang (CWG)

“We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: If he’s not going to take weather forecasting seriously, and he’s not going to provide accurate forecasts, then it’s time for ‘Tenacious Topper Shutt’ to shut the hell up!”