Don’t Cry for Him, Argentina

Brian Williams Interviews President Lincoln (circa 1862)

Brian Williams Interviews
President Lincoln
(circa 1862)

(New York, NY — February 23, 2015) – When Brian Williams was suspended by NBC earlier this month, fellow “journalist” Bill O’Reilly from Fox News came to his defense.

Liars apparently travel in pairs.

On February 4, Williams admitted embellishing a 2003 story at the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom. The original story had his Chinook helicopter being shot down by ground fire. In truth, the rocket-propelled grenade (RPG) did not shoot down his helicopter. Additionally, he arrived on the scene of the helicopter that was actually shot down about an hour after the incident.

On February 10, Williams was suspended for six months from NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. When (and if) he returns to the anchor chair, his show will be re-named NBC Nightly Lies with Brian Williams.

It now looks like O’Reilly is facing his own Williams-like issues, not that many are surprised.

Bill O'Reilly

Bill O’Reilly

“He’s the biggest lying sack of [explicative] to ever grace television,” said an O’Reilly spokesman of his boss, speaking on condition of anonymity on February 10. “And he’s still on television, telling falsehoods and writing ludicrous books. That’s what average, ordinary, everyday Americans want, and that’s what he gives them.”

His reporting as a CBS correspondent from decades ago is now being called into question.

In early 1982, Argentina laid claim to the nearby Falkland Islands, as well as South Georgia Island and South Sandwich Island. The problem? The islands were part of the British Empire. This led to the 10-week Falklands War in which Great Britain was victorious.

A young CBS correspondent at the time, O’Reilly was sent to cover the carnage. His memoir, Killing the Falkland Islands, recounts his harrowing and courageous experiences during 1982. However, it now appears that many of his stories – if not all of them – are false.

NBC Nightly Lies With Brian WilliamsO’Reilly’s memoir claims that while rushing to cover the Battle of Goose Green on a snowmobile, he experienced engine trouble and was forced to abandon his vehicle because AAA didn’t service the Falkland Islands at the time. He did make it to the battle, however, because he hitched a ride on a polar bear.

“The polar bear happened to be going my way,” said O’Reilly in his Falklands memoir. “And it was a good thing, too, because that anonymous polar bear allowed me to be the only American journalist with front-row seats to the Battle of Goose Green.”

“Absurd!” claims an Antarctic biologist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Polar bears only live in the Arctic. Otherwise, I’ll grant you, the other stuff is certainly plausible.

Polar Bears

Polar Bears

“Additionally, there are no polar bears on the Falkland Islands. There are Falkland bears, though.”

The memoir also claims that indigenous residents of the Falkland Islands – penguins, to be specific – sided with Great Britain and took up arms against Argentina.

“The penguins were in complete revolt against Argentinian rule,” said O’Reilly in his Falklands memoir. “They exercised their Second Amendment rights and picked up guns to protect themselves from the Argentinians. The British owe a lot to their tuxedo regiments.”

“The claim is ludicrous,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The Second Amendment only applies to Americans. Everyone knows that.

“Also, how could penguins use shotguns? They don’t have opposable thumbs!”

Brian Williams

Brian Williams

Breaking News!

NBC’s Brian Williams claims he was on the HMS Beagle in March 1833 when Great Britain formally took control of the Falkland Islands.

More details to follow …

In spite of his claims of being battle-hardened, recent investigations into O’Reilly’s experiences show that he never actually made it to the Falkland Islands.

Department of Defense

Department of Defense

“America decided to stay out of the conflict,” said a Pentagon spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “There’s no way any Americans would have been allowed to get in the middle of that war. At least, not publicly.”

“No American reporter made it to the Falkland Islands,” said a senior CBS employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And if they had, would we really send an inexperienced [explicative] like him?”

O’Reilly has since conceded that his coverage emanated from Buenos Aires, where he performed other questionable acts of heroism.

Regarding Buenos Aires, he claims that he saved a cameraman’s life during a riot following Argentina’s capitulation to Great Britain by “[dragging] him off the street because he was bleeding from the ear … ”

Bill O'Reilly Channeling Michele Bachmann (R-MN) (circa 1980)

Bill O’Reilly Channeling
Michele Bachmann
(circa 1980)

“It looks like the ‘riot’ wasn’t much of a riot,” said an investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Let’s put it this way. You know those videos we see every Black Friday from Wal-Mart? The videos where two women are bitch-slapping each other over an iPod? Well, that’s more of a ‘riot’ than what O’Reilly would have experienced.

“As far as the cameraman’s injury, I can only guess O’Reilly must have been so scared and out of his element that he pulled a Mike Tyson on the poor guy.”

On June 28, 1997, during a boxing match against Evander Holyfield, Tyson bit off part of Holyfield’s ear and was subsequently disqualified from the match.

O’Reilly is now getting an earful over his faux coverage.

“Don’t be too hard on the guy,” said an industry insider, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, you don’t start out in life as a pathological liar. His ‘training’ at CBS prepared him for his current job at Fox News!”