Congress Listens as Netanyahu Goes Nuclear

United States Congress

United States Congress

(Washington, DC — March 3, 2015) – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finally gave his long-awaited – and much criticized – speech to a joint session of Congress today.

Make that 89% of a joint session of Congress.

If the purpose of the speech was to warn Congress about Iran’s nuclear ambitions, cause a diplomatic row with America’s closet Middle East ally, and seriously piss off President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), then Netanyahu hit the trifecta.

Benjamin Netanyahu

Benjamin Netanyahu

As an added bonus, nearly 60 members of Congress – mostly Jewish and all Democrats – boycotted the speech for a variety of reasons, earning the nickname “Pissycrats” in the process.

The speech’s main topic – a nuclear Iran – became secondary, as the amount of rancor associated with the speech took center stage.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) invited Netanyahu to address Congress without first notifying the White House, violating 238 years of diplomatic protocol.

“Scheduling the speech, keeping it on track, and having it go forward is the most effective legislating of Boehner’s term as Speaker of the House,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Maybe even his entire sorry political career.”

John Boehner (R-OH)

John Boehner

Citing the upcoming Israeli election, Obama did not meet with Netanyahu. Additionally, Vice President Joe Biden (D-DE) is on travel at this time.

“Frankly, that’s a good thing,” said a political insider, speaking on condition of anonymity about Biden. “All the White House needs is for Biden to open his mouth and say the wrong thing. The Democratic Party would lose the Jewish vote permanently.”

Adding to the mix is the dynamic between Obama and Netanyahu: they genuinely don’t like each other.

“They hate each other’s guts,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity.

In October 2014, an anonymous White House official called Netanyahu a “chickens**t” during an interview.

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama

In return, Israeli government officials called Obama a “Hibakusha” – the Japanese term for citizens who survived the atomic bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August 1945.

“If he’s going to be responsible for a second Holocaust – and this will be a nuclear one at the hands of Iran – the name fits,” said an Israeli government official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

However, Netanyahu extended several olive branches during his 39-minute speech.

Netanyahu began by addressing the deep divisions the speech has caused in America, saying he regretted “that some perceive my being here as political. That was never my intention.”

“He hates Obama,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He loves [former President George W.] Bush. He accepted an invitation from Boehner. Nope, no political overtones here!”

Netanyahu also lavished Obama with praise, saying that in spite of the current political atmosphere, Obama has helped Israel numerous times during his tenure.

“I called him in 2010,” said Netanyahu, “when we had the Carmel forest fire, and he immediately agreed to respond to my request for urgent aid.

Netanyahu to Obama: "I'm gonna kill you!"

Netanyahu to Obama:
“I’m gonna kill you!”

“In 2011, we had our embassy in Cairo under siege, and again, he provided vital assistance at the crucial moment.”

“And every now and then, Mr. Netanyahu has a craving for lox and shrimp salad from Zabar’s,” said a Netanyahu spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Obama has helped him out with that, too.”

Netanyahu made a compelling case to scrap any possible negotiated settlement with Tehran pertaining to its nuclear ambitions, pointing out that Iran has lied time and time again about its nuclear ambitions while inciting Islamic Fundamentalism on a global scale.

And many in Congress agreed.

Inter Netanyahu

Inter Netanyahu

“It’s kind of hard to negotiate in good faith with a country that routinely burns the American flag and forces its citizens at gunpoint to scream ‘Death to America!’ at large rallies,” said a Congressional spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, these folks celebrate Death to America Day every November 4.”

As promised last week, the Pissycrats, in concert with White House officials, met with Benjamin Netanyahu’s twin brother – Inter Netanyahu – while the Congressional speech was taking place. Inter Netanyahu, a computer hacker by trade, discussed mutual cooperation in the fight against global computer attacks.

“Nations such as North Korea need to be held account when they ravage another country through a computer-generated attack,” said an Inter Netanyahu spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, referring to the November 2014 attack on Sony Pictures Entertainment. North Korea’s attack was in retribution for Sony’s release of The Interview, a comedy which depicts the assassination of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.

Sears Swastika Ring

Sears Ring
“Heil in Style!”

“The damage in this instance was caused by someone being angry about a movie. What happens when someone gets angry about something that really matters, like their local Starbucks running out of mocha lattes?”

Meanwhile, back in Tehran, Iranian legislators were treated to a host of American speakers on the topic of the “Zionist Regime” – the name Iran uses when referring to Israel – during the simultaneous Netanyahu addresses.

“We enjoyed hearing from representatives of Sears,” said an Iranian government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We liked what they said, and we agreed to purchase their Swastika rings for all government officials.

“It was a pleasure to hear from that young Alabama teen [Breanna Mitchell]. She understands that the so-called Holocaust isn’t anywhere as near as a big deal as some make it out to be. If it were such a big deal, would she have taken a smiling selfie while visiting Auschwitz?

“And what an eye-opener that Marguerite Haragan is! We can appreciate anyone who beats up Jews to get them to convert from their false religion. If it can happen in America, it can happen anywhere!”