E-mailgate: The Spam Hits the Fan

Hillary Clinton (D-NY)

Hillary Clinton

(Chappaqua, NY – March 12, 2015) – Hillary Clinton’s choice of using a non-government E-mail account to conduct business for the sake of “convenience” may turn out to the most inconvenient decision she’s ever made.

While serving as Secretary of State under President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), Clinton – a possible contender for the Democratic 2016 presidential nomination – used a private E-mail account, via her own private server, to avoid carrying around multiple devices.

“The private domain is ‘clintonemail.com’,” said a Clinton spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Secretary Clinton’s husband, [President] Bill [Clinton (D-AR), wanted to see if ‘devilwithabluedresson.com’ was available, but he was overruled.”

Department of State

Department of State

She has endured nothing short of withering criticism since the beginning of E-mailgate, both from the traditional anti-Clinton coalition and from some members of her own party. Even prominent Democrats – including Obama – have questioned the rationale for using such a system for conducting official government business.

“This was not against the law,” said a Clinton spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The server she uses is housed in her home in Chappaqua [New York] and is 100% secure. It’s hack-free. And that notion should be a good enough explanation for average, ordinary, everyday Americans.

Ted Stevens (R-AK)

Ted Stevens

But Clinton’s loudest and harshest critics aren’t average, ordinary, everyday Americans.

Many cannot understand how a non-.gov domain could be as protected from evildoers as a .gov domain. Given the seemingly endless news of private companies having their customers’ information stolen, this would seem to be a valid concern.

In the interest of being a transparent Federal official, Clinton has handed over 55,000 pages of E-mails to the State Department for review. All content of a non-sensitive nature will be made publicly available. Critics point out that they have no way of knowing if there are other messages being withheld by Clinton.

“We need to see every iota of data on that server,” said a spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), speaking on condition of anonymity. “It could give us clues and help us finally get to the bottom of the dead horse known as Benghazigate.”

But Clinton refuses to turn over the complete server to officials because it was used for personal E-mail as well.

Bill Clinton (D-AR)

Bill Clinton

“No one would willingly turn over their personal E-mails to anyone,” said a Clinton spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They’d wait until countries like North Korea or people like Edward Snowden stole the E-mails fair-and-square.”

Even more striking about this situation is that Clinton spoke out against this very practice when President George W. Bush (R-TX) was in office:

“Our Constitution is being shredded. We know about the secret wiretaps, the secret military tribunals, the secret White House E-mail accounts … it’s a stunning record of secrecy and corruption, of cronyism run amok. It is everything our Founders were afraid of, everything our Constitution was designed to prevent.” – (June 2007)

Meanwhile, President Clinton has denied ever using the E-mail domain for his own purposes.

“I did not … have … technical … relations … with that server … in my household,” President Clinton proudly proclaimed through a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Brian Williams

Brian Williams

Breaking News!

NBC’s Brian Williams claims to have personally assisted Al Gore (D-TN) with inventing the Internet.

More details to follow …


As mad as Congressional Republicans may be with Clinton, their track record regarding a fundamental understanding of both E-mail and the Internet as a whole is dubious, proving that Internet-specific stupidity is not an affliction of just one political party:

George W. Bush (R-TX)

George W. Bush

George W. Bush

“Will the highways of the Internet become more few?” – (January 29, 2000)

“We can have filters on Internets where public money is spent.” – (October 17, 2000)

“I hear there’s rumors on the, uh, Internets, that we’re going to have a draft.” – (October 8, 2004)

“Information is moving – you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.” – (May 2, 2007)

Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

“You can have every E-mail I’ve ever sent – I’ve never sent one. I don’t know what that makes me.” – (March 8, 2015)

Ted Stevens (R-AK)

” … They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.” – (June 28, 2006)