Cruz Control

Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada)

Ted Cruz

(Lynchburg, VA — March 23, 2015) – United States Senator Ted Cruz announced his candidacy for president today at Liberty University.

He’s the first Canadian citizen to do so in the country’s 238-year history.

Given his Tea Partyist leanings, and given the Christian Fundamentalist tilt of Liberty University, Cruz (R-TX/Canada) staked out his ultra-conservative credentials and asked the country’s Republicans to get behind his candidacy.

He vowed to “get back to the principles that made this country great” and declared that “it is the time to reclaim the Constitution of the United States.”

Cruz critics began their long slog of character assassination in style.

“Cruz and his fellow Tea Partyists believe that the ‘principles that made this country great’ are America’s principles of the 1950s,” said a Democratic strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Making abortion illegal and repealing Obamacare is just the tip of the iceberg. Women working at home in their kitchens, segregation, no welfare – I can only imagine what he’d dismantle if he got into office.”

Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell

Liberty University, the backdrop for the announcement, was founded by the late and unusually tolerant Reverend Jerry Falwell. A few of his telling quotes follow:

“Jews can make more money accidentally than you can on purpose.”from Falwell’s book, Listen, America!
[Jews are] “spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.”
“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen’.”Falwell’s comments from The 700 Club after the September 11, 2001, attacks
“Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers.”
“I concluded from reading Muslim and non-Muslim writers that Muhammad was a violent man, a man of war.”Falwell’s comments from 60 Minutes


Perhaps more problematic for Cruz is his citizenship. Born in Calgary, he is not a “natural born citizen” as dictated by Article II Section 1 of the Constitution:

No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.

“When did Calgary become part of the United States of America?” asked a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Apparently Cruz wants to ‘reclaim the Constitution’ but wants to reclaim his own version.”

“Who knows what this is all aboot, eh?” asked a native of Calgary who knew Cruz in his younger days, speaking on condition of anonymity, eh?

Even more ironic: Cruz and his fellow Tea Partyists have been hammering President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) for more than six years over his citizenship. Born in Hawaii, Tea Partyists still think Kenya is Obama’s birthplace.

“It will be an 18-month campaign of ignorance,” predicted a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity.