Businesses Now Free to Freeze Out Customers in the Name of Religious Freedom

Mike Pence (R-IN)

Mike Pence

(Indianapolis, IN — March 27, 2015) – Legislation signed by Indiana Governor Mike Pence (R-IN) fired another salvo in America’s war to save religion.

Or to destroy it.

Despite calls from businessmen, politicians, religious figures, and residents of Narnia, Senate Bill 101 will take effect on July 1. Boycotts of Indiana by conventions and sporting events are already taking shape.

Thanks to the Religious Freedom Restoration Act PDF, businesses will now be free to refuse to serve those who ask for services which go against the religious beliefs of said businesses.

Tea Partyists

Tea Partyists

“Of course, we thought businesses weren’t people, but Mitt Romney (R-MA) proved us wrong,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity.

While the legislation doesn’t explicitly single out any particular race, color, creed, sexual orientation, or religion, gay rights activists believe the legislation is nothing more than code to give the green light to businesses to refuse to serve homosexuals.

“This is going to get interesting as more and more people are denied service,” said a gay rights activist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Do people really think it will stop with gays and lesbians? Guess again.”

There are those, particularly in the Tea Partyist faction of the Republican Party, who are applauding Pence’s bill signing, noting that many other states have similar legislation pending.

Auschwitz Concentration Camp

Auschwitz Concentration Camp

“This is the beginning of taking back our country and our Constitution,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’re going to do what average, ordinary, everyday Americans are clamoring for. Even if they don’t know they’re clamoring for it.

“We’re going to see a return to Christian values in this country. And by ‘Christian values’ we of course mean deregulating industry, repealing Obamacare, defunding entitlements such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, and getting rid of the IRS. It’s all about helping those poor multimillionaire business owners, even though they’re saddled with the lowest tax rates in American history.

In other words, we’re referring to ‘Christian values’ as we interpret them – no matter how wrong we are. And if this means violating the Constitution’s separation of Church and State, so be it. We plan on taking back our Constitution, not following it.”

“This bill is not about discrimination,” Pence said at the signing, “and if I thought it legalized discrimination I would have vetoed it.”

But that’s exactly what the legislation does, and critics from across the world are scoffing at Pence’s words.

Traditionalist American Knights of the KKK

Traditionalist American Knights of the KKK

“Calling the legislation the ‘Religious Freedom Restoration Act’ is absolutely ridiculous,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It doesn’t provide religious freedom. It provides discrimination. Those who support this type of legislation are essentially turning religion into an assault weapon, and it’s going to backfire because average, ordinary, everyday Americans want to look forward to 2050, not to a return to 1950.

“Now, I know that Governor Pence says it isn’t discriminatory, but the fact is the name ‘Religious Freedom Restoration Act’ is on the same level as the Nazis putting the words ‘Albeit Macht Frei’ [Work Will Set You Free] above the gates of Auschwitz. As we all know, that didn’t turn out so well.”

Indiana is no stranger to extreme positions – and extremist groups – who use code to threaten and intimidate. The state has a long history of active chapters of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK). In October 2014, members of the Traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan left flyers at the homes of white residents in Winchester, IN.

“The flyers referred to a ‘neighborhood watch’ offer,” said an expert on hate groups, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That’s simply code for protecting White Anglo-Saxon Protestants from minorities – meaning anyone who isn’t a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.”