Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act Makes Sense to a Dense Pence

Mike Pence (R-IN)

Mike Pence
(R-IN)

(Indianapolis, IN — March 30, 2015) – Indiana state legislators are working overtime to quell the anger from Governor Mike Pence’s (R-IN) signing of controversial “religious freedom” legislation – legislation many claim can be used to justify homophobia, racism, and prejudice.

Showing the depth of his cluelessness, Pence says he’s surprised by the visceral reaction to the legislation.

“We’re not going to change the law!” Pence proudly proclaimed, saying yesterday that opposition to the law is nothing more than “shameless rhetoric” and an assault by the liberal media.

Striving to give Indiana businesses the choice to refuse service to those they feel go against their religious beliefs, the legislature passed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (Senate Bill 101).

Tea Partyists

Tea Partyists

“This legislation is only a first step in taking America back from those on the left who would seek to destroy our great nation,” said an Indiana Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

“Those on the left” apparently refers to average, ordinary, everyday Americans who don’t want to see the restoration of 1950s America.

“They just can’t see how the subjugation of women and segregation are a problem,” said an anti-Religious Freedom Restoration Act activist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They think those values are enshrined in the Constitution. And, in many cases, they’re right – except those Constitutional guidelines have been amended out of existence over the past 238 years.”

While the main argument is that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act can be used as a pretext to refuse service to homosexuals, the law doesn’t end there. Anyone with any lifestyle or religious belief contrary to a potential customer’s lifestyle or religious beliefs can now refuse service.

“I think this will come back and bite those legislators who supported this legislation, including Pence, in the ass,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This is a dangerous mix of Church and State, and traditionally Americans have enjoyed a separation of Church and State. This is going to get ugly very quickly.”

Dan Malloy (D-CT)

Dan Malloy
(D-CT)

Non-Indiana organizations and associations have already begun to reassess doing business with Indiana’s hotels, motels, conference centers and sports venues. And the Twitter hashtag #BoycottIndiana is gaining traction via social media. Additionally, Apple CEO Tim Cook and Star Trek alumni George Takei have decried the new Indiana law.

Connecticut today will become the first state to boycott Indiana when Governor Dan Malloy (D-CT) signs an executive order banning state-funded travel.

“The problem is that Malloy’s actions are, in themselves, violating the separation of Church and State,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Legislating against legislation that’s against religion is two wrongs not making a right.”

Fearing a potential economic nightmare, some Indiana state legislators are now debating whether or not to draft new legislation that would clarify the law’s purpose.

At the same time, some Indiana business owners, buoyed by their newfound ability to discriminate in the name of religion, are already making headway in drawing up policies and procedures to deal with unwanted and unwelcome customers:

Name of Business Type of Business New Policy
Barbara’s Bigoted Bulbs Florist
  • No service to those planning same-sex weddings
  • No service to those planning adoptions by same-sex couples
  • No service to those taking Claritin, Zyrtec, or any other over-the-counter medications for allergy relief
Danny’s Dogmatic Deli Kosher Deli
  • No service to non-observant Jews (meaning all non-Orthodox or non-Hasidic Jews)
  • No service to anyone who kvetches about the price of corned beef
  • No service to anyone who thinks gefilte fish is jarred with ectoplasm
Patty’s Protestant Periodicals Christian Newsstand
  • No service to Catholics
  • Service available for Chris Brown, Ray Rice, and others who subjugate their women
  • No service to Rapture-deniers
Robin’s Rosary Retail Religious Goods Store
  • No Protestants
  • No Catholics still using the old English-language translation to the Roman Catholic Mass
  • No service to the person(s) who drank all of the holy water before Sunday services at St. Mary’s
Percy’s Presbyterian Paradise Christian Mail-Order Catalog
  • No Jews
  • Palestinians welcome
  • No Jews
ISIS Infidels of Indianapolis Advanced Weaponry
  • No non-Muslims
  • Death to America!
  • Death to Israel!
Carol’s Canine Club Dog-Specific Pet Store
  • No non-housebroken dogs (unless you bring your own mop and trash bags)
  • No cat-lovers
  • No Michael Vick or Vick family members
Kathleen’s Kitty Kingdom Cat-Specific Pet Store
  • No one who hates having a cat claw their arms and legs
  • No dog-lovers
  • No one who thinks kissing a cat on its lips is gross

“It’s a shame that these Tea Partyists can’t see the ramifications of what they’re doing,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This whole thing could wind up being a eugenics project where non-White Anglo-Saxon Protestants are ‘cleansed’ from the streets of Indiana – by any means necessary.

“These people are ranting and raving about shredding the Constitution and destroying the country, when in fact, they should just look in a mirror to see who’s really responsible.”

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