Frankly, They Had the Wrong Date

Anne Frank

Anne Frank

(Amsterdam, Holland — April 1, 2015) – For over 70 years, historians have assumed that Anne Frank – the 15-year-old Jewish Dutch girl who documented the horrors of the Holocaust in her diary – had died on March 31, 1945, just weeks before potential freedom.

In the words of John McLaughlin: Wrong!

Researchers now believe Frank did not survive until March, dying instead sometime in February 1945.

After hiding for two years, her family was betrayed to Holland’s Nazi occupiers in September 1944. She, her sister, and her mother were sent to Auschwitz. Two months later, she and her sister were transferred to Bergen-Belsen. On February 7, 1945, the girls were transferred to Raghun, another concentration camp, where they were killed.

George Zimmerman

George Zimmerman

This new revelation changes the narrative of her death just two weeks before the liberation of Bergen-Belsen on April 15, 1945.

The ramifications of this new information cannot be understated.

Superstar Justin Bieber reacted to the news by sticking to his comments from June 2014. While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, he wrote in the guest book that he felt Frank “would have been a Belieber” had she not been so unfortunate to die at the hands of the Nazis.

“Justin is sorry that she died earlier than had been previously thought,” said a Bieber spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This simply reinforces what he said earlier. Since his fans tend to be younger, she would have definitely been a Belieber because, you know, she died younger.”

bieberMurderer George Zimmerman, who recently compared himself to Frank, also weighed in on the new information. On March 23, Zimmerman’s lawyer released a video of his client in a 13-minute tirade, blaming President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) for sullying his reputation but stating: “I still believe that people are truly good at heart, as Anne Frank has said, and I will put myself in any position to help another human in any way I can.”

It’s too bad Zimmerman didn’t feel this way on February 26, 2012 – the day he gunned down unarmed 17-year-old African-American Trayvon Martin in Sanford, FL. 1 Zimmerman was charged with second-degree murder, but in July 2013 a jury acquitted him.

Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and John Boehner (R-OH)

Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and
John Boehner (R-OH)

“It’s always nice to see a murderer equate themselves with a true hero,” said a legal analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Reaction to Bieber and Zimmerman was, predictably, nothing but utter disgust.

“These are two idiots who should be immediately deported,” said a spokesman for the Anne Frank House, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum now finds itself in a bind. Its information is incorrect, but there’s no extra money to update the museum’s contents. And Congress is balking at helping.

United States Holocaust Memorial Museum

United States Holocaust
Memorial Museum

“We can’t keep giving money to museums,” said a spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), speaking on condition of anonymity. “The last thing we want is to provide average, ordinary, everyday Americans with historical accuracy. That way, they’d be able to see that the nonsense we’re pulling today is the same nonsense we’ve been pulling for years and years. Lack of knowledge is power – for our Party, not for the other side!”

“We can certainly find the money,” said a spokesman for Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), speaking on condition of anonymity. “But the money will have to come from somewhere. And we suggest the immediate repeal of Obamacare to fund the museum’s changes.”

1. March Supporting Trayvon Martin Brings Out the Worst in Celebrities. FLATLINE 2012 Mar-Apr;14(3-4):e6.