A Dark Day for Washington

United States Congress

United States Congress

(Washington, DC — April 7, 2015) – Parts of the nation’s capital were plunged into darkness today, apparently an after-effect of a power surge from a Southern Maryland power facility.

Of course, given the country’s current Democratic and Republican leadership, one might say Washington has been operating in the dark for years.

The power failure, which affected several Federal buildings, including the Capitol and the White House, began at 12:00pm. By 2:30pm, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) definitively announced that terrorism was not involved.

Department of Homeland Security

Department of Homeland Security

“This is not an act of terrorism,” said a DHS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Just because people trapped in elevators are terrified and terrorized does not mean that this is terrorism. Just because our not announcing the cause of the blackout, which may leave some average, ordinary, everyday Americans terrified and terrorized, does not mean this is terrorism. After all, an act of terrorism would be terrible!”

Additionally, by 2:30pm CNN’s Patronizing Verbal Diarrhea with Wolf Blitzer was providing non-stop coverage of the incident.

“The shame is that the power outage didn’t shut down Wolf Blitzer’s mouth,” said a television critic, speaking on condition of anonymity.

One early theory for the blackout blamed the incident on Congress.

“We had thought they’d forgotten to pass another CR [continuing resolution],” said a non-essential Federal government employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The lights went out in my building and we immediately thought the power bill was unpaid. We all know how Pepco works – you miss a payment and they’ll switch off your electricity before you can bat an eye.”

WMATA: Metro Opens Wallets

Whatever the cause, the incident is sure to prompt discussion – again – about the nation’s aging power grid. Each time the issue is debated at a national level, nothing is done because there never seems to be money available – or the political will – to actually do something about it.

“Paying money for upgrading the country’s infrastructure isn’t ‘sexy’,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It isn’t a priority to those who bought and paid for the current members of Congress, and until that happens – or until a complete and utter collapse of the power grid – this won’t change.”

The power failure also affected the Washington area’s mass transit system. The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA), aka Metro, reported that over a dozen stations were functioning on backup power. In spite of the hardship, train service was reported to be normal.

“Train service is always terrible,” said a Metro commuter, speaking on condition of anonymity. “If train service is now ‘normal’ then maybe they should plan daily power outages?”

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey

Metro also reported that some elevators and escalators weren’t in operation.

“This is news?!” exclaimed another Metro commuter, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Within the Metro system, some elevators and escalators are never in operation!”

Oprah Winfrey, dedicating a new postage stamp in honor of the late Maya Angelou at the Warner Theatre, had her speech interrupted by the power outage.

“See, there’s at least one bright spot to the blackout!” proclaimed a Pepco spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

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