(Washington, DC — April 14, 2015) – America’s two major political parties finally have at least one candidate each for the 2016 race for the White House.
Only about 565 days left until Election Day.
On Sunday, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) announced her candidacy via video. The 2008 presidential candidate is starting out her campaigning slowly before ramping up an effort which is expected to cost over $2 billion.
“We look forward to reliving the Clinton failures of the 1990s,” said a Republican strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We certainly plan on pointing out how much better the country was immediately following the reign of Bill Clinton (D-AR).”
On Monday, Marco Rubio (R-FL/Cuba) announced his candidacy. The first-term Senator claims the country needs to go forward, not backward, in selecting the nation’s next Commander-in-Chief.
“It’s kind of ironic,” said a Democratic strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Any Republican candidate will need support from the Tea Partyists, and the Tea Partyists want to take the country back to 1950, not prepare it for 2050. I wish him luck.
“Well, not really!”
Both candidates face considerable hurdles. Clinton must convince average, ordinary, everyday Americans that she’s “one of them” as she raises more money than the GDP of about 100 nations on the planet. And Rubio must shake his most infamous moment: awkwardly grabbing for water during the 2013 State of the Union rebuttal.
“Americans are concerned about the economy,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They’re concerned about their everyday lives. They’re not concerned about watching multi-millionaires scream at each other and perform character assassinations for the next 18 months. Not that they won’t scream at each other and perform character assassinations, anyway.”
The only other candidate from either major party, Rand Paul (R-KY), announced his appalling candidacy on April 7.