Baltimore Burning

Baltimore Burning: CVS on Fire, April 27, 2015

Baltimore Burning
CVS on Fire
April 27, 2015

(Baltimore, MD — April 28, 2015) – Baltimore yesterday endured its worst episode of rioting since 1968, leading Governor Larry Hogan (R-MD) to call out the National Guard as property damage and injuries mounted.

This seems to be the latest take on “Mourning in America.”

As the crowd dispersed from the funeral of Freddie Gray – a 25-year-old African-American who died on April 19 at the hands of the Baltimore Police Department (BPD) from a severe spinal injury sustained on April 12 – individuals took up implements of destruction and began attacking the city.

Scores of rioters – 200 of whom were arrested before the night was over – threw bottles and rocks at police, leading to 19 injured policemen.

Baltimore Burning: CVS Aftermath, April 27, 2015

Baltimore Burning
CVS Aftermath
April 27, 2015

“We’re just glad they didn’t throw lambs, sloths, carp, anchovies, orangutans, breakfast cereals, or fruit bats at them,” said a BPD spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

While many referred to the rioters as morons – or “Baltimorons” – Hogan referred to those responsible as “roving gangs of thugs,” and Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake (D-MD) used similar language when addressing the media last evening.

“Mayor Rawlings-Blake is, uh, devastated to, uh, see the city of Baltimore, uh, get such a black eye,” said a Rawlings-Blake spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And she’s, uh, determined to, uh, get to the bottom of, uh, this, no matter, uh, how long it, uh, takes her to track down, uh, the thugs.”

Mondawmin Mall

Mondawmin Mall

Baltimore’s Mondawmin Mall, one of yesterday’s attack sites, remained closed today. The Baltimore Orioles postponed both last night’s game and tonight’s at Camden Yards and, for the first time in baseball history, will play tomorrow’s game in front of an empty stadium. And the Federal government shut down its Baltimore-area offices on Tuesday, earning the wrath of several members of Congress.

“What’s a little rioting?” said a Congressional spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “What, no one’s ever seen a burning car before? Average, ordinary, everyday Americans pay their taxes to see these non-essential Federal government employees show up for work every day. And that includes commuting through smoke, flame, and armed gangs.”

Stephanie Rawlings-Blake (D-MD)

Stephanie Rawlings-Blake

The damage shocked many longtime residents of the city. More than 140 vehicles were set ablaze, as were more than a dozen stores. A CVS was looted before being burned to the ground.

President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), hosting Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, took time out of the official visit with his non-belligerent counterpart to address the violence.

“President Obama denounces these senseless acts of violence in the strongest possible terms,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He condemns the rioting, looting, burning, and attacking police officers in terms stronger than usual. You might say he condemns those responsible in the most strongly strongest possible terms.

Freddie Gray

Freddie Gray

“He feels that the folks who perpetrate these crimes aren’t interested in justice, they’re just out to cause trouble and think they can get a free pass at the end of the day. They’re wrong.

“He has told Attorney General Loretta Lynch that those responsible need to face consequences. We have absolutely no idea what the consequences might be, but there will be consequences. And that’s consequential.”

The White House spokesman later clarified that the “folks” Obama referred to are not the same “folks” that are members of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) [aka the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL), the Islamic State (IS), Daesh, and Al-Qaeda in Iraq], and certainly not the same “folks” President George W. Bush (R-TX) proclaimed would pay for destroying the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001.

Many simply asked where the crowds inciting the violence came from.

“Why aren’t these people working?” asked a Baltimore resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Why aren’t the kids in school? What kind of person lives for the chance to riot? Is this what America has become?”

Al Sharpton

Al Sharpton

Breaking News!

Civil Rights leader and humanitarian Al Sharpton went on a hunger strike to protest Freddie Gray’s killing and to show support for the Baltimore protesters. He lasted three minutes.

More details to follow …