Once More Unto the Data Breach

Office of Personnel Management

Office of Personnel Management

(Washington, DC — June 5, 2015) – Bruce Jenner’s transition to Caitlyn Jenner has been knocked off the front page of major newspapers.

And it only took a massive hack attack to do it.

The Federal government’s Office of Personnel Management (OPM) announced a massive data breach yesterday, compromising the Personally Identifiable Information (PII) of 4 million current and former non-essential Federal government employees.

The White House is blaming hackers working on behalf of the Chinese government for the attack, prompting anti-Chinese activists in America to threaten to unleash Operation Chow Foon. First proposed during the civil unrest in Hong Kong in late 2014, Operation Chow Foon would involve the lobbing of Chinese food at the Chinese embassy. On the menu of flying food: Egg Foo Young, Moo Goo Gai Pan, Orange Beef, Tangerine Chicken, Sesame Chicken, Roast Pork Fried Rice, Wonton Soup, and, of course, Beef Chow Foon.

Tiananmen Square: June 4, 1989

Tiananmen Square
June 4, 1989

Chinese officials were also questioning the timing of the announcement. June 4 marked 26 years since the Chinese government sent in its military, including tanks and armored vehicles, to confront unarmed protesters at Tiananmen Square. To this day, no one knows how many civilians died, but estimates range from the hundreds to the thousands. The bloody events were immediately followed up by a propaganda campaign to deny anything had happened. The campaign continues today.

Aside from the spillage of home addresses, Social Security numbers, performance reviews, job assignments, training information, security clearances, and the number of hours per day watching pornographic materials from Federal government workstations, another concern is the length of time it took for the Federal government to notify the underlings under their control.

The data breach occurred in December 2014. OPM didn’t find out about it until April 2015. It’s now June 2015.

“Protecting our Federal employee data from malicious cyber incidents is of the highest priority at OPM,” said Katherine Archuleta, the irony-impaired director of OPM.

Katherine Archuleta

Katherine Archuleta

It obviously wasn’t high enough of a priority.

“We understand that supervisors within Federal agencies knew about this days ago, but refused to share the information with their demoralized servants,” said a spokesman for the National Treasury Employees Union (NTEU), speaking on condition of anonymity. “If these ‘leaders’ were trying to add to the level of demoralization at their respective agencies, they succeeded.”

“We might pat ourselves on the back as we push an ‘open communication’ model in the workplace, but we just like to say that, as opposed to really doing it,” said a spokesman for an anonymous Federal agency, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Adding to the irony-impairment on the part of OPM is the PII training mandated annually for all non-essential Federal government employees. Many of these employees are badgered by their respective agencies for not completing such training months before the actual due date, earning the monicker of “non-completer” in the process.

Exposure of Personally Identifiable Information

Exposure of Personally Identifiable Information

“Instead of embarrassing employees by sending out blanket E-mails – containing PII, since they listed the names of all non-completing employees – they should have been securing their own systems,” said a spokesman for the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE), speaking on condition of anonymity.

As far as OPM is concerned, it’s treating the incident as a minor event, offering credit monitoring to those affected in an attempt to calm any hysteria on the part of millions of civil servants.

“They’re lucky we’re telling them anything,” said an OPM spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, this only affects those non-essential Federal government employees who have no leadership skills. Simply put, they’re just not that important.”

Additional information for affected non-essential Federal government employees will be made available from a special OPM Web site Non-FLATLINEgov Web Site – until it brought down by hackers.