(Miami, FL — June 15, 2015) – Bush 41 (George H.W. Bush). Bush 43 (George W. “Shrub” Bush). Could there be a Bush 45 in the country’s future?
Banking on the notorious short-term memories of average, ordinary, everyday Americans, Bush (R-FL) today announced his candidacy for President of the United States.
“He should have announced his candidacy in Homestead (FL),” said a Bush detractor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Its utter destruction is analogous to what a Jeb Bush presidency would look like.”
Homestead was wiped off the map on August 24, 1992, by Hurricane Andrew. The President of the United States at the time? George H.W. Bush.
Missing from the announcement was the presence of his brother, Shrub, who served as President from 2001-2009. Also missing: Jeb’s last name, which is noticeably absent from his “Jeb! 2016” campaign logo.
“Jeb wants to be part of the ‘dynasty’ but he can’t afford to use the brand,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Shrub is toxic on so many levels. He invaded Iraq on false pretenses. He came into office with a surplus and left with a huge deficit. His proven incompetence and lack of common sense allowed over 1,800 people to die when [Hurricane] Katrina hit New Orleans [in 2005]. Jeb just can’t win if he’s tied to such a poor record.”
“Americans are notorious when it comes to their voting habits,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity about Americans’ memories. “It’s very sad that elected offices today go to those with the most billions to spend – and it’s still an election in which you have to choose the lesser of two evils. But, in the end, the American people pretty much get what they deserve.”
In fact, Jeb will likely have to stab his brother in the back if he has any hope of being on the ballot in November 2016.
During today’s announcement, he referenced “all the families who haven’t gotten a raise in 15 years” – an obvious dig at President Obama (D-IL/Kenya). But it slandered his brother as well.
“What Jeb forgot to mention is that Obama hasn’t been able to get any meaningful economic programs going because he has been vilified by the United States Congress perhaps more than any other president in American history.
“And, to reference Shrub’s ‘fuzzy math’ observation, 15 years goes back to 2000 – and Shrub came to office in January 2001.”
In addition, Jeb is apparently clueless on many issues when it comes to the Bush family legacy. He stated today that “our country is on a very bad course” and that he personally would do something about it. He also promised to “get events in the world moving our way again.”
“Many things are wrong in this country,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But Shrub started two wars and got about 5,000 American soldiers killed. Tens of thousands were wounded. Obama has started zero wars and has brought most of the military home.
“How is Jeb going to get things ‘moving our way’ exactly? Does that mean an invasion of Iran? It could certainly be interpreted that way. His party’s neocons would just love that. And, back in May, Jeb’s statement about authorizing the invasion of Iraq just as Shrub had done gives you an additional peak into the Jeb Bush window.
“Irony-impairment appears to be a qualification for the job, but Jeb must have his head in a bag if he doesn’t see the irony of his statements.”
For Jeb, the irony won’t be limited to military and financial matters.
On February 25, 1990, Terri Schiavo went into cardiac arrest in her Florida home. She subsequently suffered massive brain damage. For more than a decade, Schiavo’s husband argued she would not want to be kept alive in a persistent vegetative state, and after years of legal battles – including intervention by Jeb – removing and re-inserting her feeding tube, it was removed for the last time in 2005; she died on March 31.
“Sarah Palin (R-AK) warned of ‘death panels’ associated with Obamacare,” said a Democratic strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yet before that legislation was drafted, Jeb was up to his neck on the issue with the Schiavo case. And there’s no indication that he’s changed his stance on the issue. In a sense, voting for Jeb is voting for the Federal government to step in where health care decisions are to be made.
“I think average, ordinary, everyday Americans would agree that being forced to live in a persistent vegetative state is tantamount to living death – in Schiavo’s case, decided by a government death panel.”
As far as education goes, Florida isn’t exactly at the head of the pack in comparison the country’s other 49 states – but it’s certainly ahead of Shrub’s home state of Texas.
“At least legislators in Florida aren’t going to teach schoolchildren that Moses is a Founding Father of the United States of America,” said an education specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And, as far as I know, no one in Florida is advocating carving Jesus’ face into Mount Rushmore.”
The latter comment refers to Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R-WI). Also a 2016 candidate, he commented in April that Jesus was “a Founding Father” of the United States of America and that “carving the face of Jesus Christ into the rock … would help sway the misguided youth of this country onto their right and honorable path.”