(Washington, DC — June 26, 2015) – By a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court today decided in favor of gay marriage, bringing tears of joy to gay rights supporters and tears of anger and rage to conservatives and gay rights detractors.
Same-sex couples rushed to courthouses all over America, applying for and being granted marriage licenses in droves, often in states where just hours earlier it would have been illegal.
While the majority of average, ordinary, everyday Americans celebrated the decision, which granted equality to same-sex couples, the homophobic contingent of America began coming out of the woodwork as soon as the decision was announced.
There are unconfirmed reports late tonight that the heads of several leading right-wing, foaming-at-the-mouth conservatives simply exploded as the decision was read. At press time, the whereabouts of Ann Coulter and Pat Robertson could not be verified.
Presidential candidate Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) stated the Supreme Court could not “repeal the laws of nature” and vowed to fight against today’s decision.
“Governor Huckleberry will fight for the moral rights of the average, ordinary, everyday Americans who long for the social values of the 1950s,” said a Huckleberry campaign staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And that’s easy for him to because, let’s face it, Arkansas is stuck in the 1950s.”
Josh Robinson, NFL cornerback for the Minnesota Vikings, was apparently upset enough over the decision to suffer some kind of aneurysm, spewing out complete nonsense through his social media accounts:
- “Love is love? So what will we say when the 30yr old loves YOUR 10 year old. When the dad loves HIS 6 year old? It’s different?? Yea okay!”
“He compared gay marriage to pedophilia and incest,” said an NFL spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now, we know that a football player isn’t exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, but this is something that even makes Ray [Meal Ticket] Rice beating the hell out of his fiancé look tame.”
Elsewhere, Pastor Rick Scarborough of Texas vowed to set himself on fire in light of the gay marriage ruling.
“I’ll bring the marshmallows,” said a gay rights supporter, speaking on condition of anonymity.