(Rodanthe, NC — July 3, 2015) – After weeks of exhaustive research and millions of dollars spent, Federal officials have determined the cause of 15 recent shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina.
“We have concluded that the shark attacks could only have been caused by sharks,” said a spokesman for the Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS), speaking on condition of anonymity. “We are truly relieved that we’ve gotten to the bottom of this.”
“Duh!” said an Outer Banks resident in response to the FWS report, speaking on condition of anonymity.
The overriding question, which the FWS did not answer, is why the uptick in shark attacks?
“We can certainly answer that question,” said a FWS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ll just need another two years and about $20 billion in emergency funding to get the answers demanded by, and deserved by, average, ordinary, everyday Americans.”
Fortunately, there are less-expensive alternatives and explanations.
“Some blame it on the warm Atlantic Ocean waters,” said a cetacean biologist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Others think that swimmers coating themselves in steak sauce might be the culprit. In the end, we may never know.”
Others have their own theories, many seemingly bordering on the edge of reality and rationality.
“It’s because of the shark from Jaws,” said an Outer Banks vacationer, speaking on condition of anonymity, referring to the 1975 blockbuster movie. “It’s been 40 years, and the sharks are now seeking revenge. We knew this day would come. Why isn’t our government protecting us?”
“I believe it’s because of Jabberjaw,” said another Outer Banks vacationer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I loved that Saturday morning cartoon [airing from 1976 – 1978]! Obviously Jabberjaw is still upset about the cartoon’s cancellation, and now it’s time for revenge. He’ll be the latest greatest shark you ever saw!”