OPM Re-named as Second Data Breach Makes Feds Screech

Katherine Archuleta

Katherine Archuleta

(Washington, DC — July 10, 2015) – Swearing not to resign in the wake of revelations of a second data breach in as many months at the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), Director Katherine Archuleta did just that today.

The first data breach, announced publicly on June 4, spilled the Personally Identifiable Information (PII) of 4 million non-essential Federal government employees. The data breach occurred in December 2014. OPM didn’t find out about it until April 2015.

“Protecting our Federal employee data from malicious cyber incidents is of the highest priority at OPM,” said an irony-impaired Archuleta at the time.

Office of Personnel Management

Office of Personnel Management

Atari 2600

Atari 2600

In light of the first data breach, Archuleta ordered the security on OPM’s electronic systems be beefed up, ordering 250 Atari 2600s to use in weeding out Chinese hackers and other evildoers.

She had no answers for yesterday’s announcement, which affects 22 million non-essential Federal government employees, as well as their families, deceased relatives, friends, imaginary friends, pets, and pen-pals in Narnia.

Archuleta’s resignation caught White House officials off-guard, as just this morning President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) voiced his steadfast support for her. But others saw the writing on the wall regarding Archuleta’s job security.

Exposure of Personally Identifiable Information

Exposure of Personally Identifiable Information

Computer Keyboard

Photo Courtesy of
Sick Bird Photography

“It was quickly becoming a ‘Brownie’ moment for Obama,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity, referencing President George W. “Shrub” Bush’s (R-TX) support for Michael Brown, head of FEMA, in September 2005.

“Brownie, you’re doin’ a heck of a job!” proclaimed Bush, as New Orleans was destroyed in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

Some members of Congress are apparently so peeved at the data breaches that they’ve taken some unusual action against OPM.

“Congress has taken the extraordinary step of re-naming the Office of Personnel Management,” said a Congressional spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It will be known forthwith as the Office of Personnel Mismanagement. It’s so nice to see when members of Congress can reach across the aisle to the other side and get things done. Now, back to naming post offices!”

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