Major Idiot

(Washington, DC — July 16, 2015) – In the aftermath of the Brian Williams debacle, one might think that television news personalities would be working harder and smarter at their jobs.

Major Garrett

Major Garrett

Apparently that’s not the case.

At Wednesday’s White House news conference, dedicated mainly to Tuesday’s nuclear deal with Iran, CBS White House Correspondent Major Garrett put the following question to President Obama (D-IL/Kenya):

“As you well know, there are four Americans in Iran, three held on trumped-up charges, according to your administration. Can you tell the country, sir, why you are content, with all the fanfare around this deal, to leave the conscious of this nation, the strength of this nation, unaccounted for in relation to these four Americans?”

After a pause – understandable given the incredulity of Garrett’s question – Obama scolded the reporter.

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama
(D-IL/Kenya)

“The notion that I am content, as I celebrate, with American citizens languishing in Iranian jails? Major, that’s nonsense. And you should know better,” said Obama.

“Nobody’s content, and our diplomats and our teams are working diligently to get them out,” Obama continued.

“Major made a major boo-boo,” said a spokesman for a rival television network, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He tried to take on the President of the United States and he got bitch-slapped. He got what he deserved. Now it’s up to CBS if they make him the next Brian Williams, and he’d better hope not.”

This is just the latest example of newsmen behaving badly. In February, it came to light that Williams – the face of NBC News – had embellished several news stories Fact Sheet for personal gain. He was subsequently suspended by NBC as they tried to figure out what to ultimately do with him.

Brian Williams

Brian Williams

“Brian Williams was literally thrown off NBC Nightly News and banished to NBC’s version of Hell – also known as MSNBC,” said an broadcast industry insider, speaking on condition of anonymity. “For this stunt, Garrett could find himself banished to the Home Shopping Network (HSN-TV) selling Pest Repellers to the masses.”

CBS physicians are reportedly checking out Garrett’s health, attempting to assess whether he either had a stroke at the news conference or is beginning to suffer from sort of dementia.

“Or, of course, they could determine that Major Garrett is a general ass,” said a broadcast industry analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That’s where my money is.”

It should also be noted that Garrett suffers from Handly-Krebs disease, a condition named for newsmen Jim Handly and Joe Krebs, which forces the patient to use the word “well” to start off each sentence.

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