Donald Trump, Nobody’s Hero

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

(Washington, DC — July 20, 2015) – Continuing to speak from the lump of coal he calls a heart, presidential candidate Donald Trump (R-NY) successfully alienated another large group of potential voters on July 18.

After offending every Hispanic on the planet by referring to Mexicans as “rapists” and “criminals,” Trump insulted Senator John McCain (R-AZ) – and, in the process, every Vietnam veteran.

Trump said of McCain:

“He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.”
John McCain (R-AZ)

John McCain
(R-AZ)

McCain endured 5½ years of torture as a Vietnam POW.

Days later, Trump issued what is probably as close to an apology as anyone will ever hear:

“I like the people that don’t get captured, and I respect the people that do get captured.”

“This may be worse for Trump than he knows,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “There are millions of Vietnam-era veterans that are still alive. He probably just lost every one of their votes.

“Additionally, there are veterans from World War II and the Korean War to consider, not to mention the campaigns in Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Soldiers do the shooting, but Trump has clearly shot himself in the foot.”

Election 2016 Clown Car

Election 2016
Clown Car

Speaking of feet, Trump successfully avoided serving during the Vietnam War, claiming his medical deferment was due to a bone spur in his foot.

Yet, in spite of not being a “big fan of the Vietnam War,” Trump claims to have done his part by erecting monuments and memorials to those who actually served:

“I did the Vietnam Veterans memorial in New York. You know I was responsible for that.”

Most presidential candidates swiftly criticized Trump for his anti-McCain comments, but his poll numbers amongst the 20 declared passengers in the 2016 POTUS Clown Car have steadily climbed.

“The difference is that ‘regular’ politicians lie, but Trump tells it like it is,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But he tells it like he is according to his world view, and unfortunately his world view is warped as compared to everyone else’s reality.

Bristol Zoo Gorilla Responds to Family Member Donald Trump (R-NY)

Bristol Zoo Gorilla
Responds to
Family Member
Donald Trump
(R-NY)

“Whether this is sustainable remains to be seen. But he’s running out of potential voters that haven’t yet been insulted. It’s hard to see how he gets to 270 [electoral votes] because he keeps opening his mouth.”

Additionally, some members of Trump’s family seem to be displeased with his recent antics.

“A Trump family member who currently resides at the Bristol Zoo was none too happy about Trump’s recent behavior,” said a Bristol Zoo spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “While they didn’t have any verbal comments, their visual cues got the point across with striking clarity.”

In 2013, comedian Bill Maher accused Trump’s mother of having sex with an orangutan – hence the color of Trump’s coiffed pompadour. Trump responded by suing Maher for $5 million, though the lawsuit was later dropped.

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