(New York, NY — July 28, 2015) – Angered by the slow pace of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) probe into rape allegations against Bill Cosby, New York Magazine ran a piece on Sunday featuring the stories of 36 alleged victims.
Predictably, the FBI was none too pleased, arguing that such an article taints the ongoing investigation – which was announced in November 2014 and covered by FLATLINEgov.
“The last thing we need in this case are the truthful facts from the victims,” said an FBI spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Actually, the last thing the FBI needs at this time is the perception of it not doing its job.
The agency continues to fight through a horrific scandal brought to light in April The scandal, covering the time period from the 1970s through 1999, involves the FBI Laboratory’s Microscopic Hair Comparison Unit, whose staff provided testimony greatly tilted towards the prosecution in over 90% of cases reviewed so far. The slanted cases helped send 32 defendants to Death Row, 14 of which are now deceased.
Mushmouth, a veteran of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, has once again come forward to defend the man who created him. The following comments were offered through a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity:
- Heybuh, Manbuh, ifbuh Ibuh hadbuh thebuh chancebuh tobuh posebuh onbuh thebuh coverbuh ofbuh Newbuh Yorkbuh Magazinebuh, I’dbuh saybuh justbuh aboutbuh anbuhything tobuh getbuh therebuh! Billbuh isbuh beingbuh railbuhroaded, Manbuh. We’vebuh gotbuh tobuh letbuh thebuh processbuh playbuh itselfbuh outbuh, andbuh ifbuh hebuh’s foundbuh guiltybuh, hebuh hasbuh tobuh bebuh givenbuh abuh chancebuh tobuh makebuh amendsbuh – orbuh hugebuh paybuhoffs. Thebuh peoplebuh inbuh thisbuh countrybuh lovebuh tobuh givebuh fellowbuh citizensbuh secondbuh chancesbuh. Justbuh lookbuh atbuhsomebuh finebuh, upbuhstanding Amerbuhicans likebuh Raybuh Lewisbuh and Michaelbuh Vickbuh. Evenbuh thirtybuh-sixbuh-timebuh rapistsbuh deservebuh forbuhgiveness.”
Several observers have pointed out an error in the number of victims: New York Magazine spoke of 35, yet 36 are cited in this article.
“The 36th victim is a Jell-O Pudding Pop,” said a Sick Bird Publishing Company spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Until this scandal broke, it can be argued that Cosby’s assault on Jell-O Pudding Pops was the most egregious thing he’d ever done in his life. Sadly, we now know that’s not true.”