No Running from Heat Wave in Iran

United States Congress

United States Congress

(Bandar Mahshahr, Iran — July 31, 2015) – Given Iran’s pariah status in the world, many have wanted to invite the country – or at least its leaders – to go to Hell.

It looks like their wish has been granted.

The heat index for Iran’s Bandar Mahshahr, a city of over 100,000, hit 159° yesterday. Today, with a temperature of 115° today, the heat index hit 165°.

“It’s not a world record,” said a NOAA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But it’s pretty close. I wouldn’t want to be there today.”

Thermometer

For its part, the Iranian government looked to the outside in placing blame for a natural phenomenon.

“The heat is due to Global Warming,” said a spokesman for Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So this is the result of the world’s arrogant powers!”

The term “arrogant powers” applies to the West, singling out the United States while also covering Europe.

“Death to America! Death to Israel!” screamed the spokesman, continuing on condition of anonymity, before passing out from the high temperatures.

Climate-Change Denying Congressman

Climate-Change Denying Congressman

The Iranian government, sensing that some of its citizens were getting a bit hot under the collar, opened some of its underground nuclear facilities as “cooling centers” to the general population.

“It seemed like a good idea,” said a government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, we’ve got 19,000 centrifuges spinning, and The Great Satan can’t do anything about it! Our citizens might as well cool off in front of them as we create more highly-enriched uranium and violate international law!”

For its part, some members of Congress used the dehydrated spokesman’s comments as further ammunition to scuttle the nuclear agreement reached by Iran and world powers on July 24.

“This is further proof that these people can’t be trusted!” railed a spokesman for an anti-Iran, anti-Climate Change member of Congress, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They cheat on their nuclear agreements! They believe in Global Warming! They believe President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) was born in the United States! I wonder how they feel about Santa Claus?”

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