(Marietta, TX — August 2, 2015) – A local man took on a fearsome armadillo, betting the animal was no match for his .38 revolver.
He was wrong.
The Marietta man, who has decided to remain anonymous in order to avoid having his name associated publicly with blatant stupidity, shot at the animal at 3:00am on July 30. One of the shots ricocheted off the armadillo’s shell, hitting him in the jaw.
The man was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where his jaw was wired shut, and any lasting shreds of dignity, common sense, and self-esteem were removed.
“He shot three times at the animal,” said a local law enforcement officer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Unfortunately, this was no ordinary armadillo.”
In this town of 134, the animal known as Armadillozilla is both beloved and feared. And this is who visited the anonymous man’s yard.
“We understand that he saw Armadillozilla on the highway just a few days ago,” said a local law enforcement officer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s possible that Armadillozilla was driving too slowly. Or maybe he gave the guy an obscene gesture with his claw. Either way, the guy had the rage and the motive for shooting at our famous resident.”
Another option: Armadillozilla taunted the anonymous man and goaded him into attacking – all in the name of Cecil the Lion. American dentist Walter Palmer killed the 13-year-old Zimbabwean lion on or about July 1 while illegally hunting at the Hwange National Park.
“We could definitely be seeing revenge attacks because of Cecil,” said a Big Game biologist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “People are mad about what happened to Cecil, but so are other animals. Just look at what’s been happening at American beaches – especially in North Carolina – this summer.
“And it goes both ways. We understand that Cecil’s brother, Jericho, is in hiding because he’s now a highly-desired prize. He won’t even agree to be photographed at this time. He’s lyin’ low at the moment, waiting for America to get to the root of the problem – namely, Walter Palmer.”
The Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) has issued special alerts, telling Americans to take care when interacting with nature’s wildlife.
“We don’t want any more Armadillozilla incidents,” said a FWS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Americans visiting their local zoo had better watch their backs. Being kept in cages for most of their lives, some of those animals might be out for blood.”