WUSA-9 Jams Traffic into a Holiday

Empty DC-Area Highways

Empty DC-Area Highways

(Washington, DC — September 8, 2015) – As schoolchildren throughout the Washington, DC area found themselves back in classrooms today, another major source of reliable and honest news was once again making stuff up just for ratings.

Today was the first day that all schools in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Virginia were open for business. Virginia’s schools were the holdouts; by law, students don’t report in the Old Dominion State until after Labor Day.

In the grand tradition of local news media twisting and inventing news for the sake of ratings, CBS affiliate WUSA-9 invented its own holiday in declaring today Terrible Traffic Tuesday.

United States Congress

United States Congress

Morning news personalities Nick Giovanni and Andrea Roane gleefully announced that the area’s traffic would be substantially worse today due to the new school year getting underway, apparently believing that using a unilaterally-declared, cutesy-named holiday would cushion the blow of wasted time, wasted gas, and potential opportunities for road-rage.

“It’s bad enough that the traffic here is intolerable,” said a commuter, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s worse that they’ve got these smiles on their faces as they report on the traffic while they’re comfortably already at work. I mean, they get in to their office at, what, 3:00am? 4:00am? What kind of traffic do they see? I’ll bet they see none.”

Andrea Roane

Andrea Roane

Their unilateral declaration of a holiday didn’t sit well with some who, well, are actually in charge of declaring holidays.

“Completely ridiculous,” said a Congressional spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Only Congress can establish American holidays. Congressional debate on the Iran Nuclear Deal is dead before it even starts, so we need something else to take up our time.

“We intend to hold hearings and call both Giovanni and Roane to testify. We plan on getting to the bottom of this extraordinarily important issue!”

Nick Giovanni

Nick Giovanni

Still others seemed generally angry with WUSA-9’s staff because of their apparent cluelessness.

“If they want to declare today Terrible Traffic Tuesday, that’s their business,” said another commuter, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But it’s ridiculous. They obviously don’t have to deal with the area’s traffic on a personal basis. Anyone who isn’t so clueless about our roads knows that EVERY Tuesday is Terrible Traffic Tuesday!”

FLATLINEgov has decided to help out WUSA-9 by taking care of the rest of the days of the week, assuring DC-area residents that every day is a traffic holiday!


Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Macabre Traffic Monday Terrible Traffic Tuesday Woeful Traffic Wednesday Taunting Traffic Thursday Frightful Traffic Friday
Advertisements