(Collooney, Ireland — September 16, 2015) – American politics is replete with family dynasties: John and John Quincy Adams; William Henry and Benjamin Harrison; Theodore and Franklin Delano Roosevelt; George H.W. and George W. Bush; Bill and Hillary Clinton; and Kim and Nathan Davis.
And then there are those whose political involvement has nothing to do with family trees, but instead literally with trees.
Such is the case with Collooney Skeleton, the latest passenger in the Election 2016 POTUS Clown Car. He was discovered earlier this month when a 200-year-old beech tree toppled over, freeing the skeleton which was apparently buried beneath it.
Experts estimate he was between 17 and 25 years old when he met a possibly violent death – injuries to his bones suggest the use of swords or knives – and they put Collooney Skeleton’s time of death sometime between the years 1030 and 1200.
But perhaps most astonishing is what Collooney Skeleton did right after being freed from his tomb: He registered to run for President of the United States in 2016.
“The Constitution stipulates that you only need to be 35 years old,” said a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This guy is clearly at least 800 years beyond that point.
“The Constitution also stipulates that you must be a natural-born citizen. Well, as far as his being born in Ireland, we have no proof of that. And even if he was born in Ireland, so what? President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) wasn’t born in the United States. Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada) wasn’t born in the United States. Marco Rubio (R-FL/Cuba) wasn’t born in the United States. It’s no big deal anymore.”
According to a Collooney Skeleton spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, he will run as an Independent, meaning he may soon participate in both Democratic and Republican presidential debates.
The announcement of his candidacy vaulted him to the top of the POTUS Clown Car pack, besting Hillary Clinton (D-NY), Bernie Sanders (D-VT), Jeb Bush (R-TX), and even Donald Trump (R-NY).
“No other candidate brings 800+ years of experience to the table,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And yet, he’s an outsider, which is what average, ordinary, everyday Americans seem to crave nowadays.
“His television and media presence may not be on par with the other candidates, but I’m dying to see what Trump has to say about his looks.
“He should do well with the deceased vote – not just those who are brain-dead and don’t have a clue about voting, but those who are really deceased and have illegally made it onto voter rolls.
“Collooney Skeleton’s candidacy just goes to show how dissatisfied people are with the other 22 current and former candidates. Average, ordinary, everyday Americans would rather elect a 1,000-year-old skeleton as President of the United States than one of the cold-blooded creatures currently on the slate of candidates. It’s very sad.”