Walker Walks Away from Election 2016

Scott Walker (R-WI)

Scott Walker

(Madison, WI — September 21, 2015) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R-WI) has suspended his presidential campaign, ending a 71-day campaign which never really got off the ground.

Walker’s exit means there are only 15 remaining Republicans – as well as five Democrats and one Independent – vying for the highest office in the land, continuing their ride in the 2016 POTUS Clown Car. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) suspended his campaign on September 11 after 100 days.

Reaction to Walker’s decision has been mixed – but most seem to be glad to be rid of him.

“We at the CCC [Council of Conservative Citizens, a hate group] are sad to see Walker bow out of the race,” said a CCC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “At least the $3,500 we donated to him is tax-deductible.”

Scott Walker's "Day One Patient Freedom Plan"National Park Service (NPS) employees at the Mount Rushmore National Memorial expressed relief over Walker’s decision, ecstatic that no one would be modifying Mount Rushmore anytime soon.

“Quite frankly, we’ve managed to collect some chisels and dynamite, and we’d still like to meet Walker face-to-face,” said a NPS employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But maybe now we won’t actually shove the dynamite up his [explicative].”

In April, Walker commented that Jesus was “a Founding Father” of the United States of America and that “carving the face of Jesus Christ into [Mount Rushmore] … would help sway the misguided youth of this country onto their right and honorable path.”

Meanwhile, Jewish Madison residents looked forward to getting their governor back full-time, hoping this meant he would finally get to the bottom of February’s anti-Semitic attacks.

“In February, Walker said he would like to study the situation,” said a Madison Jewish leader, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Well, it’s seven months later. Is he still studying? What’s to study? They were Swastikas. What more information does he need? Schmuck!”

Election 2016 Clown Car

Election 2016
Clown Car

Long an enemy of the country’s labor unions, representatives from multiple unions were gleefully celebrating Walker’s downfall.

“He’s still a [explicative], he’s just not a [explicative] on the national level any more,” said a spokesman for the AFL-CIO, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now he’s Wisconsin’s problem, and quite frankly, if they couldn’t recall him when they had the chance [on June 5, 2012], they deserve him.”

Reaction to Walker’s decision was not limited to the United States. Trying to one-up Donald Trump (R-NY) who proposed building a Mexico-funded wall to separate Mexico from the United States, Walker inexplicably proposed building a wall between Canada and the United States.

“We’re hoping we can now rebuild ties between our two nations, eh?” said a spokesman for Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Cooperation and friendship is what it’s all aboot, eh?”