McCarthyisn’t the Next Speaker

Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)

Kevin McCarthy
(R-CA)

(Washington, DC — October 8, 2015) – Representative Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) unexpectedly withdrew his name from contention as the next Speaker of the House today, throwing both the House and Congressional Republicans into a vortex of utter confusion – even for them – and forcing a postponement on the previously-scheduled leadership election.

“The leadership election will take place once we restore some decorum and sanity to this place,” said a Republican spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “In other words, when Hell freezes over.”

Tea Partyists

Tea Partyists

When 40 frothing-at-the-mouth Tea Partyists forced John Boehner (R-OH) to resign as Speaker of the House last month, there was much rejoicing amongst the nation’s conservatives, as they believed they’d now get a right-wing extremist to fill Boehner’s cigarette case.

The same 40 have now forced out Boehner’s heir-apparent, McCarthy, as he’s apparently not conservative or extreme enough for them.

McCarthy announced his decision in a closed-door session of his GOP colleagues. Eyewitnesses, speaking on condition of anonymity, claimed that at least some of the attendees were crying – some hysterically – at the news.

John Boehner (R-OH)

John Boehner
(R-OH)

“And neither Boehner nor [Senator Lindsey] Graham (R-SC) were even in the room at the time,” said one eyewitness, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Other reactions from some of the most eloquent members of Congress included:

  • ” … absolutely stunned … “
  • ” … absolutely shocked … “
  • ” … completely stunned … “
  • ” … completely shocked … “
  • ” … like, seriously stunned … “
  • ” … like, seriously shocked … “
  • ” … no, like, seriously stunned … “
  • ” … no, like, seriously shocked … “
  • ” … quite stunned … “
  • ” … quite shocked … “
  • ” … seriously stunned … “
  • ” … seriously shocked … “
  • ” … shockingly stunned … “
  • ” … shockingly shocked … “
  • ” … so extraordinary and out of the ordinary … “
  • ” … still trying to process what just happened … “
  • ” … stunningly stunned … “
  • ” … stunningly shocked … “
  • ” … thunderstruck … “
  • ” … unbelievably stunned … “
  • ” … unbelievably shocked … “
  • ” … stunned … “
  • ” … shocked … “

Who will eventually get the nod to lead the nation’s non-functional legislative body is anyone’s guess.

“Honestly, I don’t know who in Congress will appease these people,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Maybe they should recruit a member of ISIS because they’re that extreme.”

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