(Gaza City, Palestinian Territories — January 1, 2016) – Palestinians in the Gaza Strip were banned from celebrating the start of 2016 by their fanatical Islamic Fundamentalist overlords.
Which century the rulers are living in is a matter for debate.
Hamas, the Islamic Fundamentalist terrorist organization that took control of Gaza in 2006 issued the “no celebrations” decree. In years past, hotels, restaurants, and cafés were permitted to host such celebratory events.
But not this year.
Such is life under Hamas rule, an organization which pursues a fanatical anti-Semitic dream in the annihilation of Israel and every Jew on the planet.
“We haven’t been in the news much,” said a Hamas spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, “so we needed to do something to get the world’s attention. We needed something to bring further misery to our people that could be blamed on the Zionist Entity.”
The term “Zionist Entity” is usually used by Iran and refers to Israel. Israel, in turn, uses the term “Islamic Fundamentalist Entity” to refer to Iran.
But Israel, of course, did not force Hamas to cancel the celebrations.
“These people [Hamas] are terrorists, delusional terrorists!” stated an Israeli government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They purposely add to their people’s misery and then blame the Jews. What else is new?
“Well, what can you expect from a group of parasites that turn farm animals into weapons of terror? Remember that poor donkey? I’ll tell you what these creatures are, they’re donkey-[explicative], plain and simple.”
The spokesman, who was deemed overwrought, was quickly removed from the podium and taken to the nearest hospital, appeared to be referencing Israel’s 2014 war with Hamas, during which a new branch of Hamas militants – the Exploding Donkey Martyrs’ Brigades – sent an explosives-laden donkey towards Israeli forces. The “Donkey of Terror” was neutralized before it could harm any Israeli or Palestinian.
The donkey was not so lucky.
Middle East experts are not surprised at Hamas’ refusal to celebrate the coming of 2016.
“Like other I-Fundies, such as Daesh (Al-Dowla Al-Islaamiyya Fii-Il-I’raaq Wa-sh-shaam) [aka the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL), the Islamic State (IS), and Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQII] and Al-Qaeda, they want to institute a 7th century caliphate and their version of Sharia law,” said a Middle East expert, speaking on condition of anonymity. “These people are so warped in their thinking that they believe in the year 616 over 2016. But they use Twitter and other forms of social media. They create recruitment videos. They enjoy having their videos broadcast on Western television. None of this existed, or would be permissible, in 616.
“Just more proof that, like Crazy Eddie, they’re insane.”
Smelling an opportunity to score political points in an election year, the Republican National Committee (RNC) blamed Hamas’ stance on President Obama (D-IL/Kenya).
“President Obama could have insisted that the celebrations go forth,” said a RNC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, “but instead he sat on the sidelines and deprived average, ordinary, everyday Gazans from celebrating New Year’s Day, a right clearly enshrined in the United States Constitution.”
Predictably, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) fired back.
“First, the United States Constitution does not apply to the citizens of Gaza,” said a DNC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Neither does it apply to the future State of Palestine. It applies to Americans.
“Second, the United States Constitution does not guarantee anyone the right to celebrate New Year’s Day. In fact, the Constitution doesn’t guarantee any holiday celebrations, so I have no idea what that one was talking about.
“Third, since when does President Obama have any sway over Islamic Fundamentalists? He’s declared Hamas a terrorist organization, so I don’t think they’d pay attention to anything he’d have to say.
“And, finally, it’s funny that the RNC would open its mouth on this issue. Its candidates are using slogans such as ‘Bring Back Our Country’ and ‘Make America Great Again’ for their campaigns, but this is really code to take America back to the 1950s. Now, granted, they’re not like the I-Fundies who want to go back 1,400 years, but going back 60 years in America is still pretty extreme.”