(Des Moines, IA — February 2, 2016) – Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada) won the 2016 Iowa presidential caucuses, beating out the favored Donald Trump (R-NY) by a number of percentage points.
In doing so, Cruz became the first person in American history to win a presidential primary while being ineligible to serve for the office he is seeking. Born in Canada, he is barred by a provision in the Constitution from serving as President of the United States – not that it has stopped his campaign.
“The last time I checked, the United States hadn’t annexed Canada,” said a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The Constitution is clear. Article II, Section 1 expressly prohibits what Cruz is doing, and if he doesn’t stop, we could have a Constitutional crisis on our hands in 12 months.”
The Constitutional passage in question is as follows:
- No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.
“There’s no doubt aboot it,” said a Cruz spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity and brushing aside the Canada controversy. “We won Iowa. Now it’s on to New Hampshire in the Great White North, eh?”
Celebrating his illegal victory, Cruz reportedly headed for the local IHOP, braving the incoming snowstorm by wearing his tuque, to have a helping of pancakes with Canadian maple syrup.
For Trump’s part, it was a harsh reality check for the Republican self-described front-runner.
“For months and months, all we’ve heard from Trump is how he’s ‘winning’ and leading in the polls,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But now we have proof of what many of us suspected. These ‘polls’ are fictitious, just like much of the other data fabricated by Trump. He’s ‘winning’ like Charlie Sheen is ‘winning’ – which means, in short, not winning.
“It also shows that average, ordinary, everyday Republicans are willing to elect a Constitutionally-ineligible president [Cruz] over an anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-Semitic, anti-veteran, homophobic, misogynistic, pathologically lying, racist, xenophobic bully. That speaks volumes.”
Harsh as the loss might be, Trump’s reaction was predictably offensive.
“Mr. Trump thanks his supporters in Iowa,” said a Trump spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And, yet, they didn’t deliver the state for him. He’s very disappointed, and he’s left with no choice. To the citizens of Iowa, Mr. Trump has one message: YOU’RE FIRED!!!”
“It’s a typical move for Trump, but one that could come back to haunt him,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s just written off more than 3,100,000 average, ordinary, everyday Americans, and more importantly, he’s just written off six electoral votes. That could potentially cost him big-time in eight months.”
Some in Iowa are just happy that their primary election season has come to an end.
“It feels like this has been going on for years,” said an Ottumwa resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And now, just like that, it’s over. Hopefully we can now go back to our normal, quiet, mundane lives. We Iowans prefer living under the radar.”