Americans Prepare to Say “See Ya!” to Scalia

Antonin Scalia in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Antonin Scalia

(Marfa, TX — February 15, 2016) – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, 79, was found dead at the Cibolo Creek Ranch resort here on Saturday, apparently from natural causes.

His death brings to a close a 30-year career on the United States Supreme Court. It also means that the Art Modell Suite on the 14th level of Hell just got a little more crowded. 1

Scalia’s death invoked comparisons to Vice-President Dick Cheney (R-WY), whom many consider to be the epitome of the undead – and who is celebrating the 10th anniversary of shooting his good friend, Harry Whittington.

“I was very surprised to hear of Scalia’s passing,” said a judicial scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, Cheney’s never going to die, and we thought Scalia was the same way. You’re not supposed to be able to kill the undead.

Antonin Scalia at the Gettysburg Address Sesquicentennial, November 19, 2013

Antonin Scalia at the Gettysburg Address Sesquicentennial
November 19, 2013
[photo courtesy of Sick Bird Photography]

“When Scalia spoke before the crowd at the Gettysburg Address sesquicentennial [on November 19, 2013], I’m surprised someone didn’t work in a non immortal interficere [you can’t kill the undead] reference.”

Predictably, Scalia detractors wasted no time in maligning the dead.

“He once shoved his shopping cart into my car at the Acme,” said a grocery shopper, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I saw him do it, and he was getting set to drive away without even leaving a note. I confronted him and he told me to go [explicative] myself. It’s unfortunate that a judge would act that way.”

Also predictable: Praise from his supporters.

“He was an extraordinary individual and jurist, admired and treasured by his colleagues,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. “His passing is a great loss to the Court and the country he so loyally served.”

Dick Cheney (R-WY)

Dick Cheney

In spite of the kudos, many who never personally interacted directly with the Supreme Court deity didn’t share the same sentiment, as the outspoken Scalia managed to alienate minorities during his tenure.

Scalia called the Voting Rights Act of 1965 – enacted to protect the voting rights of racial minorities – a “perpetuation of racial entitlement” in February 2013. And, just last December, Scalia suggested that African-Americans couldn’t intellectually handle highly-ranked academic programs at colleges and universities, and instead should choose educational institutions more suited for their abilities:

“There are those who contend that it does not benefit African-Americans to get them into the University of Texas, where they do not do well, as opposed to having them go to a less-advanced school … a slower-track school where they do well.”
Supreme Court

Supreme Court

But Scalia reserved his most vile venom for homosexuals. Calling homosexuality “immoral and destructive,” over his career he compared it to adultery, bestiality, bigamy, child pornography, cruelty to animals, fornication, incest, murder, polygamy, prostitution, and recreational drug use.

Throughout his career, critics accused Scalia of allowing his religion – Catholicism – to color his judicial rulings, charges he vehemently and repeatedly denied. While attending mass at Boston’s Cathedral of the Holy Cross at Sunday mass in 2006, a Boston Herald reporter asked Scalia how he responded to his critics. Scalia responded by flicking his right hand from under his chin while telling the reporter, “To my critics, I say ‘Vaffanculo.’ The Italian term means “[explicative] off” – as does the gesture.

In light of the Election 2016 circus, Scalia’s abrasive demeanor earned him comparisons to presidential candidate Donald Trump (R-NY).

“He’s very much like Trump,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Scalia had a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court. Trump has a lifetime appointment to being a [explicative].”

1 Art Modell, Longtime Browns and Ravens Owner, Dies: Bypasses Heaven, Descends Directly to Hell. FLATLINE 2012 Sep-Oct;14(9-10):e2.