Conspiracy Theorists Conspire About What Made Scalia Expire

Antonin Scalia in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell

Antonin Scalia

(Marfa, TX — February 16, 2016) – Three days after the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, it seems that the questions keep multiplying exponentially as more facts are revealed.

And the nation’s conspiracy theorists are happier than Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas enjoying a can of Coke.

The 79-year-old Scalia was found dead at the Cibolo Creek Ranch resort here on Saturday, immediately departing for the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell. 1

But it took hours for authorities to have Scalia declared dead from natural causes because they couldn’t easily find a justice of the peace. And when Presidio County Judge Cinderela Guevara finally arrived, he signed the paperwork without even seeing Scalia’s body. Additionally, no autopsy was – or will be – performed.

“I guess you could say that Guevara has helped provide a Cinderella ending to Scalia’s story,” said a SCOTUS observer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Not so for the aforementioned conspiracy theorists, who have come up with more than a few explanations for the apparent secrecy shrouding Scalia’s expiration.

Supreme Court

Supreme Court

TV Or Not TV?
Rumors are swirling around the last show seen on the 60” flat-screen TV in Scalia’s room. A virulent homophobe, many believe Scalia was watching Brokeback Mountain at the time of his demise.

How Could He Liver With Himself?
The justice was no stranger to controversy, and to many he seemed like evil incarnate. Many postulate that he was so filled with vitriolic bile that his liver may have exploded, poisoning his body with the same substance that apparently poisoned his soul.

Liberty and Justice For Awl?
Hand tools are commonplace on Texas ranches. Word of a mystery toolkit gone missing has conspiracy theorists hammering away at its possible meaning. Scalia may have been using an awl for adding holes to his snakeskin belt when he accidentally punctured an artery.

Unaffordable Care Act?
Scalia led the Judicial Branch’s charge to repeal the Affordable Care Act, commonly known as Obamacare, but the law was upheld by the SCOTUS. His opposition may have come back to kill him, as his refusal to sign up for health insurance via an Obamacare health exchange no doubt delayed or prevented possible medical attention which would have saved his life.

Brian Williams

Brian Williams

Breaking News!

NBC’s Brian Williams claims that John Wilkes Booth, President Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, is responsible for the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Booth died in 1865.

More details to follow …

1 Art Modell, Longtime Browns and Ravens Owner, Dies: Bypasses Heaven, Descends Directly to Hell. FLATLINE 2012 Sep-Oct;14(9-10):e2.