GOP Confirmed to be Against Confirming a New SCOTUS Justice

Tea Partyists

Tea Partyists

(Washington, DC — February 18, 2016) – True to form, Senate Republicans – dominated by frothing-at-the-mouth Tea Partyists – are vowing to block or vote down President Obama’s (D-IL/Kenya) nominee for the Supreme Court.

And he hasn’t even nominated anyone yet.

The SCOTUS seat was vacated with the passing of Justice Antonin Scalia on February 13. His death, which occurred at the Cibolo Creek Ranch resort in Marfa, TX, was followed by some unorthodox procedures and activities, leading to wild conspiracy theories regarding his demise.

Scalia is now a guest in the Art Modell Suite on the 14th Level of Hell.

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama
(D-IL/Kenya)

The President of the United States is required by the Constitution – in Article II, Section 2 – to submit nominees to the Senate for the Supreme Court:

He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

“Some believe he isn’t the legitimate President of the United States because he’s African-American,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Some believe he isn’t the legitimate President of the United States because he’s Kenyan. Some believe he isn’t the legitimate President of the United States because he’s a Muslim.

Mitch "Turtlehead" McConnell (R-KY)

Mitch “Turtlehead” McConnell
(R-KY)

“But, most of all, some believe he isn’t the legitimate President of the United States because Congress is being run by a small group of right-wing, frothing-at-the mouth, Tea Partyist nutcases who say they’re defending the Constitution but conveniently don’t follow it whenever it suits them.”

One Senator in particular is its majority leader, Mitch “Turtlehead” McConnell (R-KY), who once vowed to make Obama a one-term president – and failed.

“Turtlehead hates Obama,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Obama is trying to steer the country towards renewable energy and away from pollutants such as coal. Kentucky is coal country, and Turtlehead would rather see his constituents come down with black lung than wean them off coal.

“McConnell can just duck into his shell whenever things get bad, but his constituents pay the price – and come off like backwards, inbred hicks for supporting him. And that’s just his immediate family.”

Supreme Court of the United States

Supreme Court of the United States

Many Constitutional scholars believe Obama is in the right. And many more believe that what Turtlehead and his followers are doing is nothing short of treason.

“This goes beyond being anti-Obama,” said a Constitutional scholar, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This goes to the refusal to follow the Constitution of the United States of America. And Obama, among others, would have every right to impeach all 54 GOP Senators for failing to carry out their duties.”

Predicting such, the White House has prepared the Twitter hashtag #ImpeachThe54 should the eventual nominee be held in Congressional limbo.

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