(Chicago, IL — April 1, 2016) – Fearing a total collapse in the Democratic ticket for the November election, First Lady Michelle Obama (D-IL) declared her candidacy for President of the United States today.
Her announcement was seen as an immediate threat to Hillary Clinton’s (D-NY) campaign, which has struggled mightily against the insurgent campaign of Bernie Sanders (I/D-VT).
“Hillary is doing well, but not well enough,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “She should have sewn up the nomination by now. As of now, it looks like the contest could go all the way to Philadelphia in July [for the 2016 Democratic National Convention]. That’s just siphoning off too much money, the money that will be needed to defeat whoever the Republican nominee is.”
Assuming the GOP nominee is Donald Trump (R-NY), Obama would give him a “double-barrel” target, according to one observer, who said he could use his misogyny and racism against the First Lady.
“But at least he won’t be able to call her a Kenyan,” said the political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity, referencing Trump’s Birther roots which allowed him to go after Obama’s husband, Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya).
Should she get the nomination to run in November, Obama brings an approval rating of 60% to the table, a number that’s been consistent since her husband’s inauguration in January 2009.
Among her initiatives are the “Let’s Move!” effort to fight childhood obesity, which has drawn scorn from several GOP presidential candidates.
“It’s complete madness!” exclaimed Governor Christ Christie (R-NJ), clutching a large bucket of KFC chicken. “Average, ordinary, everyday Americans should be able to eat whatever food they want, no matter how bad it is for them.”
For his part, Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada) promised in February to reverse all of Obama’s health policies should his homely wife, Heidi, become First Lady.
“No surprise there,” said a spokesman from the World Health Organization (WHO), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Everyone knows how fatty Canadians’ diets are. And everyone knows that Canadians routinely drop dead from coronary heart disease. Cruz is just speaking as a native of Canada.”