(Kiev, Ukraine — April 26, 2016) – The world paused today and celebrated the 30th anniversary of the worst commercial nuclear disaster in history.
The Chernobyl nuclear power plant, located here in Kiev, exploded on April 26, 1986, irradiating much of Ukraine, Belarus, Russia and Europe. As Ukraine was part of the secretive Soviet Union at the time, government officials didn’t acknowledge the accident for several days.
“It wasn’t until high radiation levels were picked up in Europe that people began to get suspicious,” said a nuclear power historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And by then it was too late. Europe was cooking.”
The cause of the catastrophe is generally accepted to be a systems test gone haywire. However, it has also been postulated that Bloom County’s Bill the Cat, sent to Russia upon his request, somehow leaned on the wrong lever at the power plant and caused the explosion, fire, and subsequent meltdown.
For the 20th anniversary of Chernobyl, the cafeterias at several Federal agencies served special Ukrainian dishes to celebrate. But no such feasts were planned for today.
“We’ve sanctioned singing and dancing,” said a Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Dancing around maypoles and stuff like that. Hey, you’ve got to have a little fun when you’re staring sheer terror and disaster in the face.”
The half-life of Chernobyl’s contamination is estimated to be tens of thousands of years, condemning thousands to never see their homes again and, as an added bonus, to life-long health problems and radioactive contamination.
Or so conventional wisdom thought.
kiev“We’re now seeing wildlife flourishing around the nuclear plant,” said an NRC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But it’s the same as what we saw at Vermont Yankee. Nature endures. Everything’s just fine.
“The nuclear industry gets glowing reviews time and time again. Nuclear power is 100% safe. And that’s been proven time and time again.”