Cleveland Re-named and Ready for the No-Show

(July 17, 2016 — Nuremberg (formerly known as Cleveland), OH) – On May 23, the Belgian company Anheuser-Busch re-named its “Budweiser” beer, calling it “America” until the November 8 general election.

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump

Cleveland has decided to go with a temporary name change as well.

For the four days of the Republican National Convention – July 18-21 – “Cleveland” will be known as “Nuremberg” to the world.

“It’s an appropriate change,” said a city spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The presumptive GOP nominee (Donald Trump (R-NY) has been holding rallies for over a year. Given his temperament at these rallies, and given the Trumpist Brownshirts that follow the rallies from city to city, state to state, we couldn’t think of a better way to honor Mr. Trump and those who blindly and unbelievably follow him.”

Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Lindsey Graham

But other than his loyal Trumpist Brownshirts and immediate family, it’s not clear just who will bother to show up to attend the convention. Many high-profile establishment Republicans have declined the invitation, and the list just keeps growing and growing. Instead of the convention being a “who’s who” of the GOP Establishment, it is shaping up to be a “who’s not” instead.

Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who ran for the Republican nomination from June 1, 2015, through December 21, 2015, is an outspoken Trump critic and indicated early on that she wouldn’t be attending.

“Senator Graham has a mani-pedi scheduled for the week,” said a Graham spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And she’ll be shopping for a new china pattern during that time as well.”

Marco Rubio (R-FL/Cuba)

Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio (R-FL/Cuba), who ran for the Republican nomination from April 13, 2015, through March 15, 2016, initially said he would be attending the Cleveland gala. However, on July 6, he announced that he would be a no-show.

This isn’t the first flip-flop for Rubio since dropping out of the presidential race. While running, he said he would not be running again for his Senate seat. Rubio subsequently changed his mind and is running for his hotly-contested seat – in spite of having the worst attendance record of any Senator (Strom Thurmond (R-SC), dead since 2003, has a better attendance record for the current Congress).

“Rubio apparently did an about-face when he learned that he’d have to supply his own bottled water,” said a political insider, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Clint Eastwood Addresses a Chair

Clint Eastwood
Addresses a Chair

However, there are a brave few Republicans who will make the trip to Cleveland for their party’s convention. Among them are Clint Eastwood, who wowed the crowds at the 2012 Republican National Convention on August 30, 2012, in Tampa, FL.

“No one will ever forget the speech Mr. Eastwood gave in Tampa,” said a GOP spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “His addressing the empty chair has gone down as one of the great moments in political convention history.

“We’re happy he’s returning, and we’re proud to announce that he’ll be addressing a credenza on July 21.”

Given Trump’s appeal to white supremacists, the likes of David Duke will also be in attendance.

David Duke (R-LA)

David Duke

“Grand Wizard Duke will be gracing the convention with his presence,” said a spokesman for the Ku Klux Klan (KKK), speaking on condition of anonymity. “What’s not clear is if he’ll be given an opportunity to address the convention.

“It’s also not clear if his recently cleaned-and-pressed white sheets will make it through security. And that wooden Cross along with several gallons of gasoline – well, that could be a problem.”

Other fine, upstanding citizens banking on supporting their party – no matter what kind of incompetent monster might be leading it – include Tom Brady (hero of Deflategate), Bobby Knight (who choked one his collegiate basketball players), and Mike Tyson (a rapist who later chewed the ear off a human being).