(July 20, 2016 — Nuremberg (formerly known as Cleveland), OH) – Republicans last night officially nominated Donald Trump (R-NY) as their candidate to be the country’s next President of the United States.
For those who virulently oppose the alleged billionaire as their party’s standard-bearer, the whole episode caused quite a Führer.
“We’re very happy that the “Never Trump” movement has been squashed,” said a Trumpist Brownshirt, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Next up: Crooked Hillary [Clinton (D-NY)].”
When asked about the wisdom of nominating an anti-Catholic, anti-disabled, anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-Semitic, anti-veteran, homophobic, hypocritical, misogynistic, narcissistic, pathologically lying, pro-Klan, psychopathic, racist, small-membered, sociopathic, xenophobic bully for the most powerful office in the world, the tens of Trumpist Brownshirts attending the Republican National Convention threw their support behind their savior.
“We mean the whole ‘Make America Great Again’ thing,” said a Trumpist Brownshirt, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s time for Big Government to go away. We need to live our own lives however we want. It’s time to drag America back 60 years. Back to the 1950s, when segregation was legal, when abortion was illegal, when women stayed home while men earned a living. In other words, the good old days.
“Donald Trump is our savior. And it’s time to tell everyone to savior self.”
On Thursday, Squirrelhead Donald will formally accept the nomination of his hijacked party. While many are concerned about his speech running off the rails – as so many of his speeches have done – others are concerned about plagiarism, thanks to Trump’s wife, Melania, whose Monday speech borrowed heavily from a speech given by Michelle Obama in 2008.
“The speech has been extraordinary vetted,” said a soon-to-be-fired Trump staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s going to be a big, beautiful speech, the biggest and the beautifulest ever, OK? Believe us!”
FLATLINEgov has obtained an advanced copy of what is arguably the most important – and 100% non-plagiarized – speech to be given in Squirrelhead Donald’s life:
- My fellow Americans – those of you who are not total losers,
- First of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror, which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life, a leadership of frankness and of vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves, which is essential to victory. And I am convinced that you will again give that support to leadership in these critical days.
- It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.
- From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the Continent.
- Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
- I plead to the jury tonight to think a little bit of the island we have been on . This island is full of, pretty much, only two things – snakes and rats. And in the end of Mother Nature, we have Richard The Snake, who knowingly went after prey; and Kelly, who turned into the rat that ran around like rats do on this island, trying to run from the snake. I believe we owe it to the island spirits we have come to know to let it end in the way that Mother Nature intended: For the snake to eat the rat.
- And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world, ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.
- OK? Believe me!