O’Reilly Links Slavery to Good Food and Pleasant Lodging

(New York, NY — July 28, 2016) – First Lady Michelle Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention on Monday was both stirring and historic.

And not just because Melania Trump was sitting in the front row, furiously scribbling notes on a yellow legal pad.

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

One line in particular has received an oversized share of press and commentary:

“I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves, and I watch my daughters – two beautiful, intelligent, black young women – playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.”

For some on the unhinged far-right, the reference to “slavery” provided an opportunity for pontification.

Lobotomized Fox News shrill Bill O’Reilly acknowledged that slaves did indeed help build the White House, conceding the established historical fact that “slaves did participate in the construction of the White House.” He also correctly pointed out that “free blacks, whites and immigrants also worked on the massive building.”

But then O’Reilly’s Lomotil wore off, and the insane patronizing verbal diarrhea began to flow:

Bill O'Reilly

Bill O’Reilly

“Slaves that worked there were well-fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government.”

Predictably, the Internet exploded in outrage.

“If you’re going to paint slavery as an opportunity for good food and a good home – well, you’re just about the most clueless [explicative] [explicative] in the United States of America,” said a historian, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Slaves were, of course, fed; they would have starved to death otherwise. But it’s impossible to accurately define “well-fed” because it’s a subjective term, and in this case, there’s little empirical data to back up the statement.

“Given the records of the late 18th and early 19th centuries, it’s impossible to know what food they were actually given,” continued the historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s not like they were posting their menus on Facebook.

“Also, they worked for no money. And as long as there was daylight. And with hand shovels – mechanized equipment wasn’t invented yet.

“If Bill O’Reilly thinks this was a good deal for the slaves working on the White House, maybe someone should beat that [explicative] in the head with a shovel.”

For O’Reilly’s part, he stood up to his critics and called them “smear merchants.”

“It’s interesting that O’Reilly would use the term ‘smear merchants’ since he himself is a vile stinking pile of excrement which spews patronizing verbal diarrhea,” said a social media expert, speaking on condition of anonymity.