(Washington, DC — August 3, 2016) – Long before he declared his candidacy for POTUS, Donald Trump (R-NY) was a pro at spreading lies and rumors.
But he’s now apparently figured out how to lie while defying space-time as well.
Squirrelhead Donald is the father of the Birthers – those who believe that President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) was not born in the United States, but instead somewhere in Kenya. The lie was put to rest on April 27, 2011, when Obama released his long-form birth certificate that showed he was born in Hawaii. There are still Birthers, however, who believe the long-form birth certificate was a forgery
The Kenya theory mostly debunked, Squirrelhead Donald has moved on to assigning more blame – and it’s on a topic that would go away if he would just take some Lomotil to stop his Diarrhea of the Mouth.
The issue: The death of 27-year-old Army Captain Humayun Khan, killed by an IED on June 8, 2004, while serving in Iraq. His death has become a political flashpoint because Khan’s father, Khizr, took Trump to task last Thursday during the Democratic National Convention. Typically Trump, he has continued to find points for insulting Khan and his wife, Ghazala, mainly due to their Muslim faith.
The conspiracy, according to Squirrelhead Donald spokeswoman Katrina Pierson, is that Captain Khan was killed by none other than Obama and Hillary Clinton (D-NY):
- “It was under Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton that changed the rules of engagement that probably cost his life.”
The problem: In June 2004, Hillary Clinton was serving as a United States Senator from New York; Obama was serving in the Illinois Senate.
“In order for this conspiracy theory to work, Squirrelhead Donald would have to violate the laws of physics and somehow circumvent the space-time continuum,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I have no doubt that Squirrelhead Donald thinks he’s above the law, but to be above the laws of physics takes some doing!
“Personally, I’m hoping he can demonstrate a violation of the laws of physics on video. I’d love to see him shove his own head up his [explicative]. After all, we’re sure it spends a lot of time up there, anyway.”
A bigger scandal? The existence of Katrina Pierson as Squirrelhead Donald’s spokeswoman.
“Given Squirrelhead Donald’s history of misogyny, how can any woman agree to gainful employment under this guy?” asked a spokeswoman for National Organization for Women (NOW), speaking on condition of anonymity.
“For that matter, wouldn’t working for an anti-Catholic, anti-disabled, anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-Semitic, anti-veteran, homophobic, hypocritical, misogynistic, narcissistic, pathologically lying, pro-Klan, psychopathic, racist, small-membered, sociopathic, treasonous, xenophobic bully set off alarm bells as well?”