(New York, NY — August 15, 2016) – As the walls continue to close in on and collapse upon Donald Trump (R-NY), one has to wonder what he’s drinking nowadays to take the edge off.
New revelations indicate Squirrelhead Donald’s drink of preference is likely vodka.
His ties to Russia – and inviting Russia to meddle in American affairs – are well-known. In July, Squirrelhead Donald suggested that, as POTUS, he’d be OK with Russia keeping Crimea, which Russia invaded and annexed illegally in early 2014 at the behest of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Russia has since fomented unrest in Ukraine, hoping to force a pro-Russia tilt in Kiev after years of a pro-Western attitude.
And Squirrelhead Donald showed his incredible lack of knowledge about the crisis in Ukraine in late July. While being interviewed by ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, he vowed that as POTUS he would make sure Putin would not invade Ukraine:
- “He’s not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not going to go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.”
Stephanopoulos then had the unenviable task of informing Squirrelhead Donald that Russian troops have been in Ukraine since 2014.
Also in July, in light of Hillary Clinton’s (D-NY) E-mailgate III scandal, Squirrelhead Donald committed treason when he asked Russia to hack into an American E-mail account in order to embarrass and humiliate his presidential opponent:
- They [Russia] probably have her 33,000 E-mails, too. I hope they do. Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 E-mails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”
“Many people are saying that Trump won’t release his tax returns because it will show he’s in cahoots with the Russians,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Sounds like there’s something going on.”
As if this weren’t bad enough, it has come to light that Trump aide Paul Manafort is in deep with Ukraine’s deposed leader, Viktor Yanukovych.
“Manafort apparently received $12.7 million from Yanukovych’s political party, the Party of Regions, from 2007-2012,” said a source familiar with the underhanded situation, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This is yet another knot in the rope tying Putin and Russia to Squirrelhead Donald.
“And, of course, Yanukovych has been living in exile in Russia because, well, his political party is pro-Russian.”
Think things couldn’t get any worse for Squirrelhead Donald? Guess again.
The alleged billionaire’s Russian (or vodka-induced) headache just got much worse because daughter Ivanka posted a photo from Croatia on Instagram showing Squirrelhead Donald’s progeny with her BFF: Wendi Deng Murdoch. Why is a photo taken with Rupert Murdoch’s ex-wife such a big deal? Because Wendi Deng Murdoch is Vladimir Putin’s current girlfriend.
“The timing couldn’t be worse,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “On the plus side, from a PR standpoint, the photo is reminiscent of BFFs Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie – minus the gonorrhea.”
“At this point, should Trump win the White House, he may as well fly the hammer and sickle over the portico,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity, referring to the flag used by the now-defunct Soviet Union.