(Stamford, CT — August 30, 2016) – If you thought Election 2016 was wild up to now, hang on to something, because it’s about to get wilder.
As the world continues to mourn the loss of the comedic genius, both Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Donald Trump (R-NY) find themselves using the actor, screenwriter, novelist, and director as part of their campaigns for the presidency.
Somehow seeing an opening by addressing the fictitious character of Willy Wonka, Squirrelhead Donald fired the first shot at a campaign stop earlier today:
- Gene Wilder, OK? Gene Wilder, OK? OK? OK? Nice guy. Nice Jewish guy. Didn’t wear a yarmulke, so I wouldn’t have wanted him counting my money, but still a nice Jewish guy, so I hear, OK?
- So he’s dead, OK? I mean, his career was YUUUGE!!! And now he’s dead, OK? So we have to honor his legacy, OK? And that means getting tough on immigration.
- Gene Wilder showed us that there are millions of Oompa-Loompas in this country illegally, OK? They came here from Loompaland illegally, OK? They’re illegal, OK? OK? OK? And even though they work making chocolates and candies, they’re all rapists, murderers, and criminals, OK? And enough is enough.
- I don’t care if they were trying to escape from Vermicious Knids, OK? I don’t care if they were trying to escape from Wangdoodles, OK? I don’t care if they were trying to escape from Snozzwangers, OK? All I know is that they’re illegal. And that means my Deportation Force, which I affectionately call my legion of Trumpist Brownshirts, will go door to door in America, OK? And we’re going to find these Oompa-Loompas, OK? And we’re going to send them all back to Loompaland.
- And then, once they’re gone, we’re gonna build a wall to keep them out. It’s going to be a big, beautiful wall, OK? And it will be made of Everlasting Gobstoppers, OK? And guess who’s going to pay for it? That’s right: The Oompa-Loompas, OK? I don’t care if they pay individually or if the government of Loompaland pays, but someone’s gonna pay, and it ain’t gonna be us, OK?
- Crooked Hillary will say we can’t deport the Oompa-Loompas, OK? She’ll say the Oompa-Loompas will be attacked and killed by the Vermicious Knids, by the Wangdoodles, by the Snozzwangers, OK? Well, I don’t care. It’s time for America First! It’s time to Make America Great Again! And that means we have to Make America Oompa-Loompa-Free Again!
- And if Muslim Kenyan Obama doesn’t like it, and if Crooked Hillary doesn’t like it, guess what? We’ll deport them to Loompaland and let the Vermicious Knids, Wangdoodles, and Snozzwangers eat them, OK?
The Clinton camp, meanwhile, found itself completely caught off-guard, having to respond to charges drummed up by a psychopath and pulled from the pages of a children’s book. She did a quick skim of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and responded the best she could at her own campaign stop earlier today:
- Donald Trump wants to divide us, but the things that unite us clearly outweigh the things that divide us.
- You know, when I was First Lady, and later when I was Senator, and then Secretary of State, I often visited Loompaland. I met hundreds of Oompa-Loompas. I knew the Oompa-Loompas. The Oompa-Loompas were friends of mine. Donald, even though you have orange hair and are the spawn of an orangutan, you are no Oompa-Loompa!
- America is the land of opportunity. We’re a nation of immigrants. And if we turn away the Oompa-Loompas to be at the mercy of the Vermicious Knids, Wangdoodles, and Snozzwangers, then we’re clearly not living up the ideals enshrined in our Constitution. After all, there’s no Oompa-Loompa ban in the Constitution. And I don’t plan on implementing a ban now.
- So I say, clearly, that we need to move forward from this divisiveness. I’m sure I’ve got some E-mails on the Oompa-Loompa subject, and I’ll be releasing them sporadically over the next few weeks. Good night, and God Bless America – and the Oompa-Loompas!