(New York, NY — October 4, 2016) – There’s no shortage in Donald Trump’s (R-NY) Bag-O-Insults, but people with weight problems – or perceived weight problems – appear to have borne the brunt of Squirrelhead Donald’s wrath over the past two weeks.
The current string of insults began during the first presidential debate on September 26. While answering a question about cyber attacks against the United States, the GOP candidate refused to lay blame at Russia’s feet – although most intelligence experts agree that Russia is responsible for recent brazen attacks on computer systems related to government and organizations which support government functions.
Instead, Squirrelhead Donald singled out the obese:
- “As far as the cyber, I agree to parts of what Secretary Clinton said. We should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we’re not. I don’t think anybody knows it was Russia that broke into the DNC. She’s saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don’t – maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?”
Trump’s sycophants were quick to support the “genius” real-estate developer’s claims.
“You’ve got these computer hackers, no real jobs, really the dregs of society,” said a spokesman for former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R-NY), speaking on condition of anonymity. “These guys live in their parent’s basements. They won’t grow the hell up. They don’t socialize – at least, not the way the rest of socialize. They’re too busy fixating on Luke Skywalker from Star Trek or Captain Kirk from Star Wars. And, yes, I’m sure some weigh an extraordinary amount from living a sedentary life. I mean, some of them are probably YUUUGE!!!
“Are they being paid off by the Russians? The Chinese? Who knows? But I’ll bet anything that Crooked Hillary [Clinton (D-NY)] is behind the hacking. She’s just trying to discredit Donald Trump, an American legend and deity.”
The spokesman’s comments were not very smart; hackers have already begun to fight back.
“We heard everything Trump said during the debate,” said a hacker, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And of course we take offense to it. We, the members of the Computer Hackers Using Blocks of Binary Yottabytes [CHUBBY], won’t take this lying down. Well, we might be lying down, but we still won’t take it. This is war. Trump, Giuliani, Christie – they should all be afraid. Very afraid. From Hell’s heart, we stab at them! For hate’s sake, we spit our last breath at them!”
Ironically, one of his chief sycophants, the morbidly obese New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) doesn’t seem to mind the fat-shaming from his master. At a fundraising event on May 19, Squirrelhead Donald made fun of his lap-dog’s weight, admonishing him for his love of snacks:
- “I’m not eating Oreos any more, you know that – but neither is Chris. You’re not eating Oreos any more. No more Oreos. For either of us, Chris. Don’t feel bad.”
“Governor Christie has his eyes on the prize – which, in this case, is the United States Attorney General slot – and that’s all that matters,” said a Christie spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “That plus an all-you-can-eat certificate for the Park Wayne Diner.”
Squirrelhead Donald has also managed to merge his attacks on heavy people with his serial misogyny – not that he’ll admit to everything he’s said. For example, during the debate Clinton pointed out that he had referred to pregnancy as “an inconvenience to employers. ” Trump denied having made that statement, but in fact he did – during an October 2004 interview:
- [Pregnancy is] “a wonderful thing for the woman, it’s a wonderful thing for the husband, it’s certainly an inconvenience for a business. And whether people want to say that or not, the fact is it is an inconvenience for a person that is running a business.”
Clinton also raised the name of Alicia Machado, Miss Universe 1996; after gaining too much weight for Squirrelhead Donald’s liking, she was called “Miss Piggy” and an “eating machine.” And she also earned the name “Miss Housekeeping” due to her Latina heritage; Machado is from Venezuela.
Never one to let something go, Squirrelhead Donald took to Twitter on September 30 – at 3:20am – and unleashed a vile stream of consciousness against both Machado and Clinton , going to far as to accuse Machado of making a sex tape – an accusation which is patently false.
And on Celebrity Apprentice, he once told a female contestant “it must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees!”
As far as Squirrelhead Donald’s own health is concerned, the 70-year-old stands at 6’3″ and weighs 236 pounds – which means he’s overweight and on the verge of being obese.