Obama Attacks Mars



(Washington, DC — October 12, 2016) – President Obama (D-IL) vowed yesterday that America would land a man on Mars by the 2030s, making the effort a joint venture between the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and private industry.

Obama’s critics immediately slammed the idea, saying that they were completely against the goal, though many couldn’t say exactly why.

“President Obama is going to need a massive infusion of funds to pay for this little adventure,” said a spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Turtlehead” McConnell (R-KY). “He isn’t going to get 5¢ for the project.”

Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

Mitch McConnell

House Republicans immediately got in line behind their Senate colleagues.

“First we’ll have to schedule our 193rd vote to repeal Obamacare,” said a spokesman for House Speaker Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan (R-WI), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Once Obamacare is gone and 20,000,000 Americans lose their health insurance, we’ll probably have some money left over for this space exploration thingy – after we give Big Pharma a big tax break, of course.”

Other Republicans cited the inherent danger of space travel for their opposition to Obama’s Mars plan.

“Look what happened to Challenger in 1986,” said a Republican House member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Look what happened to Columbia in 2003. Fourteen astronauts dead. All while a Democrat ran the space program. We can’t afford to lose any more astronauts thanks to Democratic mismanagement.”

Paul Ryan (R-WI)

Paul Ryan

Unfortunately for that poor, inbred House member, their sense of history is a bit skewed. Ronald Reagan (R-CA) was POTUS when Challenger exploded. And Shrub (R-TX) was POTUS when Columbia disintegrated.

Still other Obama critics hammered the proposal simply because he proposed it.

“Mars is a waste of time,” said a member of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Mars is small potatoes. I believe we should have the guts to go big – and in this solar system you can’t go much bigger than Jupiter.

Barack Obama (D-IL)

Barack Obama

“We’ve got a road map of Jupiter. We’ve got a radar fix on the stars. And we’ve got a liquid-crystal compass. What more do we need?”

“The Senator is obviously oblivious,” said a spokesman for the National Academy of Sciences (NAS), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Or insane. Can’t tell which.

“Jupiter is 318 times as massive as Earth. Its atmosphere is toxic to human life. Its climatic conditions would rip a human body to shreds. In short, we ain’t goin’ there.

“It’s one of the most stupid suggestions I’ve ever heard. It’d be like nominating someone for POTUS who was an unqualified, racist misogynist. Thank goodness that’ll never happen in this country!”