Trump Declares Victory as First Polls Close

Squirrelhead Donald (R-NY)

Squirrelhead Donald
(R-NY)

(New York, NY — November 8, 2016) – Donald Trump (R-NY) declared victory in the 2016 presidential election just this very minute.

The problem: Only the first six of the 50 States plus the District of Columbia have closed their polling places.

Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, South Carolina, Vermont, and Virginia closed their polls at 7:00pm ET. The voting will go on for six more hours; Alaska’s polls don’t close until 1:00am ET – on Wednesday.

Even Squirrelhead Donald’s own New York – which is expected to be won handily by his Democratic challenger, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) – doesn’t close its polls until 9:00pm ET.

These facts did not deter Squirrelhead Donald from making an early, YUUUGE!!! announcement.

“The race is over,” said a Trump spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The polls are closed in six states, and that’s good enough for us. We don’t even want to wait for the ballots to be counted, and it doesn’t matter, because Hillary Clinton is Crooked Hillary Clinton. Crooked, crooked, crooked. That’s all you need to know.

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

“We won – unfair and square. If we didn’t win, the system is rigged. Granted, that makes no sense, but we’re all insane over here. We’re so insane, we’re sane!”

The line about being insane and sane was quickly denounced by the Charles Manson campaign, bringing fresh charges of plagiarism to a Trump campaign which has been repeatedly charged with the same. Manson, incarcerated in the California prison system for most of his life, was the first person to announce his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, and he’s still technically in the running.

The Federal Election Commission (FEC), too, denounced Trump’s early pronouncement.

“We’d like to go through normal procedures and wait until the ballots are counted,” said a FEC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve got a long way to go to get to 270 [electoral votes].”

Just in case, here’s a schedule – both by time and by State – which Squirrelhead Donald might want to consult. Immediately.

LISTINGS BY POLLS CLOSING
State Time Closing (ET) Electoral Votes
Georgia 7:00pm 16
Indiana 7:00pm 11
Kentucky 7:00pm 8
South Carolina 7:00pm 9
Vermont 7:00pm 3
Virginia 7:00pm 13
North Carolina 7:30pm 15
Ohio 7:30pm 18
West Virginia 7:30pm 5
Alabama 8:00pm 9
Connecticut 8:00pm 7
Delaware 8:00pm 3
District of Columbia 8:00pm 3
Florida 8:00pm 29
Illinois 8:00pm 20
Maine 8:00pm 4
Maryland 8:00pm 10
Massachusetts 8:00pm 11
Mississippi 8:00pm 6
Missouri 8:00pm 10
New Hampshire 8:00pm 4
New Jersey 8:00pm 14
Oklahoma 8:00pm 7
Pennsylvania 8:00pm 20
Rhode Island 8:00pm 4
Tennessee 8:00pm 11
Arkansas 8:30pm 6
Arizona 9:00pm 11
Colorado 9:00pm 9
Kansas 9:00pm 6
Louisiana 9:00pm 8
Michigan 9:00pm 16
Minnesota 9:00pm 10
Nebraska 9:00pm 5
New Mexico 9:00pm 5
New York 9:00pm 29
North Dakota 9:00pm 3
South Dakota 9:00pm 3
Texas 9:00pm 38
Wisconsin 9:00pm 10
Wyoming 9:00pm 3
Iowa 10:00pm 6
Montana 10:00pm 3
Nevada 10:00pm 6
Utah 10:00pm 6
California 11:00pm 55
Hawaii 11:00pm 4
Idaho 11:00pm 4
Oregon 11:00pm 7
Washington 11:00pm 12
Alaska 1:00am (November 9) 3

 

LISTINGS BY STATE
State Time Closing (ET) Electoral Votes
Alabama 8:00pm 9
Alaska 1:00am (November 9) 3
Arizona 9:00pm 11
Arkansas 8:30pm 6
California 11:00pm 55
Colorado 9:00pm 9
Connecticut 8:00pm 7
Delaware 8:00pm 3
District of Columbia 8:00pm 3
Florida 8:00pm 29
Georgia 7:00pm 16
Hawaii 11:00pm 4
Idaho 11:00pm 4
Illinois 8:00pm 20
Indiana 7:00pm 11
Iowa 10:00pm 6
Kansas 9:00pm 6
Kentucky 7:00pm 8
Louisiana 9:00pm 8
Maine 8:00pm 4
Maryland 8:00pm 10
Massachusetts 8:00pm 11
Michigan 9:00pm 16
Minnesota 9:00pm 10
Mississippi 8:00pm 6
Missouri 8:00pm 10
Montana 10:00pm 3
Nebraska 9:00pm 5
Nevada 10:00pm 6
New Hampshire 8:00pm 4
New Jersey 8:00pm 14
New Mexico 9:00pm 5
New York 9:00pm 29
North Carolina 7:30pm 15
North Dakota 9:00pm 3
Ohio 7:30pm 18
Oklahoma 8:00pm 7
Oregon 11:00pm 7
Pennsylvania 8:00pm 20
Rhode Island 8:00pm 4
South Carolina 7:00pm 9
South Dakota 9:00pm 3
Tennessee 8:00pm 11
Texas 9:00pm 38
Utah 10:00pm 6
Vermont 7:00pm 3
Virginia 7:00pm 13
Washington 11:00pm 12
West Virginia 7:30pm 5
Wisconsin 9:00pm 10
Wyoming 9:00pm 3
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