(New York, NY — November 9, 2016) – Americans have chosen an anti-Asian, anti-Catholic, anti-disabled, anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-obesity, anti-Semitic, anti-veteran, homophobic, hypocritical, misogynistic, narcissistic, paranoid, pathologically lying, pro-Klan, psychopathic, racist, schizophrenic, small-membered, sociopathic, treasonous, xenophobic bully as their 45th president.
Polls had consistently shown Hillary Clinton (D-NY) winning the presidency with over a 90% probability. Then, as the polls closed and talking heads on television called the States’ choices with 0.0000000000001% of the returns available, there was palpable shock as Donald Trump (R-NY) won time and time again.
“I think there’s a general consensus amongst Americans – about 99.999999999% – that given their poor performance from last night, all pollsters should be shot,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity.
With Squirrelhead Donald in the White House, a Republican-controlled House of Representatives and a Republican-controlled Senate, it appears that much of the progress and many of the initiatives undertaken under the eight-year Obama administration will be dismantled and destroyed in 2017.
“We’re looking forward to repealing the Affordable Care Act,” said a spokesman for Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Obamacare will be history very, very soon. We’re glad to have the opportunity to cast our 483rd vote on its repeal. Hey, I guess the 483rd‘s time a charm!”
Eddie Munster seemed almost gleeful at the prospect of both keeping his job – the psychotic citizens of Janesville returned him to office for the ninth time – and beginning to take care of the countrys wealthy at the expense of the poor.
“I havent seen him so happy since he did that staged soup kitchen photo-op during the 2012 campaign,” said a Ryan family friend, speaking on condition of anonymity.
In wanting to repeal Obamacare, Republicans have consistently said they want to replace the law with something better. But they have never specified what exactly they’d vote on to replace a law which has given 20,000,000 Americans health care coverage for the first time.
“One thing is clear,” said an industry analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Big Pharma stands to make a killing financially while the poorest Americans stand to face a large killing from lack of quality health care. The whole thing is sick.
“I guess we might see Sarah Palins ‘death panels actually become a reality. Imagine that – Sarah Palin right about something!”
Climate change – which Squirrelhead Donald has called a hoax invented by the Chinese – will likely run unchecked as he tears up various global agreements meant to curtail the burning of fossil fuels which contribute to the warming of the planet. This prospect seems to have made Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) very, very happy.
“Turtlehead likes things warm and he likes water,” said a Senate spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So this alleged ‘global warming’ is working out quite well for him. But that’s not to say he’s willing to work with all members of the Senate. He’s always interested in reaching across the aisle to the other side!”
“Given the laundry list of wishes maintained by Congressional Republicans, it will be a race to see if what they want to see undone can be undone in a mere four years,” said a shell-shocked political analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They may require eight – and given how this election went, eight years of Squirrelhead Donald isnt that far-fetched, is it?”