(New York, NY — November 17, 2016) – One might think the surprises would have ended a week ago with the declaration of Donald Trump (R-NY) as President-Elect of the United States.
As Squirrelhead Donald would say: “WRONG!”
As his cabinet takes shape – in spite of spirited infighting and purging – it seems that each name being thrown around for consideration seems more outrageous than the last.
But two of his top advisors stand out in a class by themselves.
Anti-Semite Stephen Bannon has taken up residence as the incoming president’s Chief Strategist and Senior Counselor. The former head of the right-wing Breitbart News has been put into a position of extreme power and influence. And that worries most sane people.
“You’ve got a guy who’s not been shy about being an anti-Semite and saying anti-Semitic things,” said a political observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s not shied away from the ALT-RIGHT movement. In fact, he’s proud to say he’s its leader, much as Squirrelhead Donald was proud to say he was the leader of the now-discredited Birther movement.”
The ALT-RIGHT movement is, among other things, a loosely-associated grouping of inbred, rabid, white supremacist racists who are also xenophobes, Islamophobes, homophobes, and anti-Semites. Squirrelhead Donald’s presidential campaign drew these bottom-dwellers like a moth to a flame.
And now, thanks to Squirrelhead Donald’s appointment, they’ve got a friend in the highest of places.
“Over the past week, we’ve seen a severe uptick in violence against anyone who isn’t a white Protestant,” said a social worker, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Those in the ALT-RIGHT movement think they’ve been given a blank check to act this way because of the election’s outcome. While we’ve seen some people being held accountable – like the folks in Clay, WV – that’s more of an exception than a rule. And it needs to be a rule, 100% of the time.”
Bannon’s appointment has been criticized by Democrats, Republicans, and Independents, but he does have one rather surprising champion: Lawyer Alan Dershowitz. In refuting the charges of anti-Semitism, the liberal Jewish lawyer has said Bannon “has very good relationships with individual Jews.”
Critics were having none of it.
“Years ago, when looking at a private school for his twin girls, Bannon was hesitant to enroll them here because of the number of Jews in attendance,” said a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity and also on the condition that the school not be named. “He had a problem with how Jewish parents raised their ‘whiny brats’ and didn’t want to see his daughters turn out that way.
“I wonder how the girls have turned out from having Mephistopheles as their father?
“I also understand that he visited another school and was concerned about the number of Hanukkah books in their library. I, personally, have to wonder if there were copies of Anti-Semitism for Dummies available in that same library, and if so, did he borrow a copy? Or did he simply burst into flames?”
“You have to keep in mind that Dershowitz was part of the “Dream Team” that helped OJ beat his murder conviction,” said a spokesman for the American Bar Association, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I’m sure he’s proud of getting a butcher off scot-free, but I wouldn’t be proud if I were in his shoes. And given his support of torture – which is illegal – and various conspiracy theories, it’s no wonder he’s become known as ‘Alan Berserkowitz’ within our profession.”
And now, Bannon has been joined by someone who’s actually at his level – though it’s hard to believe anyone else could stoop so low.
Frank Gaffney, an Islamophobic conspiracy theorist, has been appointed to the Trump Transition Team of Terror (TTTT), reportedly to focus on recruiting national security staff.
“This is the guy who said [Hillary Clinton aide] Huma Abedin is tied to the Muslim Brotherhood,” said a political strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This is the guy who said President Obama (D-IL) is a closet Muslim. This is the guy who said Sharia Law is replacing our country’s political and legal systems – and he didn’t mean Christian Sharia Law.
“This guy is so unhinged that he makes Rudy Giuliani (R-NY) look sane.”
Petitions have been circulated to urge Squirrelhead Donald to drop both men from the TTTT, but no one seriously expects him to act on the whims of a few million signatures.
“That would mean he’d made a mistake,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And Squirrelhead Donald doesn’t make mistakes. These poor excuses for human beings are here to stay.”