Electoral College Certifies First Illegitimate POTUS in American History

The Electoral College Did WHAT???!!!

The Electoral College
Did WHAT???!!!

(Washington, DC — December 20, 2016) – The Electoral College yesterday failed to perform its Constitutional duty and instead certified Donald Trump (R-NY) as the winner of the 2016 presidential election.

Grade for the 2016 Electoral College? FAIL!

“The Electoral College has proven that every vote does not count,” said a legal expert from the law practice of Littler Mendelson, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It has also shirked its responsibility from keeping someone who’s unfit on so many levels from becoming the leader of this country.”

Indeed, the Electoral College chose to ignore the wisdom of The Federalist Papers; one in particular, Federalist 68, warns specifically about the dangers of a man such as Squirrelhead Donald:

“Nothing was more to be desired than that every practicable obstacle should be opposed to cabal, intrigue, and corruption. These most deadly adversaries of republican government might naturally have been expected to make their approaches from more than one querter, but chiefly from the desire in foreign powers to gain an improper ascendant in our councils. How could they better gratify this, than by raising a creature of their own to the chief magistracy of the Union?”
Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

From his behavior during the 2016 campaign to refusing to release his tax returns, from his vendetta against a Federal judge to the country’s free press, from his stated admiration of historically evil figures such as North Korea’s Pillsbury Doughboy and former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to his misogynistic treatment of women, Squirrelhead Donald has given all rational people pause in elevating him to the White House. Sadly, Republicans such as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) are not rational beings.

“Eddie Munster – not human, but a werewolf,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Turtlehead – not human, but a reptile. They’re both going to find out that the notion of taming Squirrelhead Donald is a fantasy. Their support of a demagogue is going to blow up in their faces. And, assuming we all survive the fallout – perhaps radioactive fallout – we’ll all be laughing in their faces.”

Paul Ryan (R-WI)

Paul Ryan
(R-WI)

Squirrelhead Donald isn’t the first president-elect to have lost the popular vote, but no one has ever lost it by such a wide margin.

“In 1824, Andrew Jackson (D-R-TN) beat John Quincy Adams (D-R-MA) by 38,149 votes,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Adams became president.

“In 1876, Samuel J. Tilden (D-NY) beat Rutherford B. Hayes (R-OH) by 38,149 votes; Hayes became president.

“In 2000, Al Gore (D-TN) beat Shrub (R-TX) by 543,895 votes; Shrub became president.

“And now, in 2016, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) beat Squirrelhead Donald by an unprecedented 2,864,974 votes; yet Squirrelhead Donald will be sworn in on January 20.

Mitch "Turtlehead" McConnell (R-KY)

Mitch “Turtlehead” McConnell
(R-KY)

“So, in becoming the next President of the United States, Squirrelhead Donald also becomes something that he, his supporters, and his family will bear for the rest of their lives: The biggest loser of all time.”

In addition to losing the election by millions of votes, the question of Russian interference in the election will forever cast a pall upon Squirrelhead Donald’s presidency, and will actually challenge his legitimacy as the 45th POTUS.

“Millard Fillmore (W-NY) was known as the ‘Accidental President’ because he was never elected,” said a presidential historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He succeeded Zachary Taylor (W-VA) upon his death, but Fillmore never won the presidency on his own.

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump
(R-NY)

“About 120 years later, Gerald Ford (R-MI) became the second ‘Accidental President’ because he succeeded Richard Nixon (R-CA) upon his resignation. Ford then lost to Jimmy Carter (D-GA). In fact, Ford is the only person to have never been elected either president or vice-president; he succeeded Spiro Agnew (R-MD) upon his resignation.

“Squirrelhead Donald is in a class by himself. Given the margin of his loss in the popular vote, coupled with the strong evident of foreign interference by Russian President Vladimir Putin, he’s actually an illegitimate representative of the Executive Branch of the Federal government. He is, simply put, the first ‘Illegitimate President’ this country has ever seen.”

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