(Washington, DC — January 4, 2017) – Blatant stupidity from House Republicans turned what should have been a day of celebration into 2017’s version of Nazi Germany’s 1933 Reichstag Fire.
Upon these ashes will they drag America into the abyss.
Yesterday saw the swearing in of the 115th Congress, allowing Republicans to take firm control of ⅓ of the Federal government. Republicans now have a 241-194 advantage over Democrats in the House of Representatives. In the Senate, their majority is a narrower margin, at 52-48.
Another ⅓ of the Federal government will fall to Republicans on January 20, when Donald Trump (R-NY), the first illegitimate POTUS, will be sworn in.
And yet, the celebration was short-lived – if it lived at all – due to House Republicans attempting to remove an office tasked with monitoring the ethics of the legislative body’s members. On Monday night, behind closed doors in secret meetings, House Republicans, led by Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-VA), voted 119-74 to neuter the House Office of Congressional Ethics (HOCE), in existence since 2008.
“These frothing-at-the-mouth Tea Partyists now have control,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They have the power. All they have to do is sit back and legislate their warped, twisted, evil agenda. Instead, a group of them decided to try and play God on Day One, and it backfired on them.
“I can’t say it’s because the closed doors were smeared in lamb’s blood. I can’t say it’s because the secret meetings involved sacrificing small animals and drinking their blood. I can’t even say that there weren’t more than a few pentagrams in the House chamber last night. But what I can say is that it was very, very, very stupid of them.”
The move was so unpopular that even the re-elected Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) didn’t support the effort. But in a move reminiscent of Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) single-handedly shutting down the Federal government over Obamacare funding in October 2013, Goodlatte’s goons ignored Eddie Munster and the rest of their leadership.
“Canadian Cruz’s stunt backfired on Republicans in 2013,” said a Congressional historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Americans have notoriously short memories. Apparently members of Congress aren’t immune. The question is for how long people will remember this, and whether or not there will be any long-term fallout over this insane gambit.
“My guess is that this will be ancient history by the end of January. Squirrelhead Donald is going to damage the Republic so badly that this will be nothing but a blip in what the next four years will bring.”
By Tuesday, complaints from Democratic and Republican legislators, in addition to a bewildered and angry public – including Squirrelhead Donald – forced Goodlatte’s goons to abandon their plans, which included re-naming the HOCE.
“They took a vote on the new name – which will be binding,” said a staffer present at the secret satanic meetings, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It came down to a choice between the ‘House Office of Not Giving Two Shits about Congressional Ethics’ and the ‘House Office of Not Giving a Flying Fuck about Congressional Ethics’ – and it was a close vote. But the ‘House Office of Not Giving Two Shits about Congressional Ethics’ was the winner – though the ‘House Office of Not Giving a Flying Fuck about Congressional Ethics’ did get about 3 million more votes.”
For their part, Goodlatte’s goons claimed they were simply misunderstood and that the whole issue was being blown out of proportion. But the most immediate fallout from the failed effort has fallen squarely on Goodlatte.
“House Republicans voted that he must use the name ‘Bittercoffee’ instead of ‘Goodlatte’ whenever conducting Congressional business,” said a Congressional staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity.