Manson on the Mend after Mystery Malady

Charles Manson

Charles Manson

(Corcoran, CA — January 7, 2017) – Charles Manson supporters worldwide breathed a sigh of relief today as word spread regarding the end of their savior’s recent hospitalization.

Of course, their sigh of relief also meant his return to a lonely, solitary jail cell at the California State Prison, Corcoran.

The 82-year-old inmate, mass-murderer, and 2016 presidential candidate – running as an Independent from California – was rushed to Mercy Hospital in downtown Bakersfield on January 3 for an undisclosed ailment. While one report claimed he was suffering from gastrointestinal bleeding, Mercy Hospital refused to either confirm or deny the story, citing patient privacy laws.

Charles Manson: "I'll be fixin' brain stew for dinner when I'm the cook, Jack!"

“I’ll be fixin’ brain stew for dinner when I’m the cook, Jack!”

“He was, in fact, signed in as ‘John Doe’ when he was rushed here,” said a Mercy Hospital spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And while it isn’t policy for us to discuss a patient’s ailments, we can confirm that he kept claiming to have the Eye of the Tiger and not knowing who to kill first.

“We can also confirm that he requested brain stew for dinner from our cafeteria, and given how rancid hospital food tends to be, we had no problem accommodating his wishes.”

One report stated that Manson was to have surgery on January 5 but was deemed too weak for the procedure. Others are blaming a law that Republicans love to hate: The Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare.

“Manson has seen his health insurance premiums skyrocket since the ACA’s passage in 2010,” said a Corcoran spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He couldn’t afford the surgery because he couldn’t afford the insurance. So, in a sense, Obamacare actually threatened Manson’s life, and I think a majority of Americans would actually like to thank Obamacare for that.”

Paul Ryan (R-WI)

Paul Ryan

House Republicans have begun drafting legislation to repeal President Obama’s (D-IL) landmark legislation. Its repeal is expected to cost Americans $9 trillion.

“People claim Charles Manson is insane,” said a Democratic strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Republicans want to stick the American people with a $9 trillion bill. Republicans want to repeal a law that might very well eliminate Manson for Americans. Now who’s insane?”

Upon leaving the hospital, he reportedly wanted to stop off at the local Denny’s before returning to prison, but his request was denied, according to Corcoran officials, speaking on condition of anonymity.

“Just because he’s a racist, and just because Denny’s now has its ‘All Racist, All the Time’ policy, it doesn’t mean he gets to go. Keep in mind he’s in prison and serving a life sentence for murder. Just because he says he’s free in his mind and in his world – whatever the hell that means – doesn’t entitle him to a meal at a restaurant.”

The Happy Couple! Charles Manson and Afton Elaine "Star" Burton

The Happy Couple!
Charles Manson and
Afton Elaine “Star” Burton

His return to his tiny cell is much to the relief of fiancé Afton Elaine “Star” Burton, though questions remain as to whether she really is his fiancé, an attention-seeking psychopath, or a combination of both.

“First they obtained a marriage license and announced their engagement in November 2014,” said a historian familiar with the Manson case, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Then he denied the marriage would ever take place, and in fact the license expired. So it’s unclear where they are now. Other than being two sick, demented people.”

A Corcoran spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, released a statement from the diminutive deviant, who stands at 5’2″, regarding his return home and experience at Mercy Hospital:

“Wolf kabob roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube bear ramage? Jigiji geeji geeja geeble google? Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?”
Charles Manson

Charles Manson

Manson continues to serve his time in jail for orchestrating a series of murders in 1969. On August 9, members of the Manson Family broke into 10050 Cielo Drive. They proceeded to butcher its tenant, Sharon Tate, and four of her associates. On August 10, the Family broke into 3301 Waverly Drive and butchered its owners, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca.

While Manson supposedly sent his fanatical followers to “get their hands dirty,” he himself was not one of the killers. During his trial, the prosecution painted him as, among other things, a racist who was trying to ignite a race war.

Manson and his followers were sentenced to death, but their sentences were commuted in 1972 when the Supreme Court abolished the death penalty.

His next parole hearing will take place in 2027 – when he’ll be 92.

Donald Trump (R-NY)

Donald Trump

Manson was last in the news on November 8, 2016 – Election Day – as he leveled charges of plagiarism against Donald Trump (R-NY) and his campaign. When Squirrelhead Donald declared victory with only six of the 50 States having closed their polling places, a Trump spokesman stated that all involved with the Trump campaign were insane.

“We’re so insane, we’re sane!” claimed the spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The problem: The phrase is a signature Manson saying, and the unauthorized use rubbed Corcoran’s most-famous resident the wrong way.

Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Ted Cruz

“Charles Manson is not a violent person, but I think it’s safe to say that he will arrange for someone to break Trump’s neck if he’s given the opportunity,” said a Manson spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Another reason for Manson to see revenge against Trump: The first declared presidential candidate for 2016 was not Squirrelhead Donald (June 16, 2015). It was not Ted “Canadian” Cruz (R-TX) (March 23, 2015). It was Manson (August 9, 2014).

And he hasn’t yet conceded the race.

“Manson doesn’t care about the popular vote,” said a spokesman for Manson campaign manager and long-lost son, Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He doesn’t care about the Electoral College. In his mind, he’s won because he’s one with God. No one can outdo him on that one. His methods may be a little witchy, but for those who believe he’s Man’s Son, he stands alone as the rightful winner.”

Rudy Giuliani (R-NY)

Rudy Giuliani

The overall election cycle was not kind to Manson. When addressing the Republican National Convention on July 18, 2016, Rudy Giuliani (R-NY) – who may be losing his mind – appeared to be erratic and agitated, leading a political analyst to make a Manson analogy.

“The way he screamed and flailed his arms reminded me more of presidential candidate Charles Manson than the mayor of the largest city in the United States,” said the political analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Manson has since ordered a hit on the anonymous political analyst.

Charles Manson's Chicken Dance

Charles Manson’s
Chicken Dance

However, there was one bright spot during the grueling campaign. On June 9, 2015, Vincent Bugliosi, the attorney who prosecuted Manson and convinced a jury to give him the death penalty, passed away. Word of his death sent worldwide Manson supporters into frenzied celebrations of dancing like wildly-gyrating chickens.

“I guess you could say they gave a cluck about Bugliosi’s demise,” said a criminologist, speaking on condition of anonymity.