(Washington, DC — January 15, 2017) – The President of the United States giveth, and the President of the United States taketh away.
That’s a lesson Vice-President Joe Biden (D-DE) seems to be learning on the fly.
President Obama (D-IL) presented Biden with the Presidential Medal of Freedom on January 12. The presentation was a complete surprise to the tearful Biden, who erroneously believed the gathering was meant as nothing more than a final tribute to Biden’s service as vice-president.
The Presidential Medal of Freedom was established by Executive Order 11085, signed by President John F. Kennedy (D-MA) in 1963, and is presented as follows:
- The Medal may be awarded by the President as provided in this order to any person who has made an especially meritorious contribution to (1), the security or national interests of the United States, or (2) world peace, or (3) cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.
No sooner had the ceremony concluded than President-elect Donald Trump (R-NY) chimed in – and, in his usual way, criticized Obama’s move:
“Obama should be busy packing up his things,” said a spokesman for The Skeletal Kellyanne Conway, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He shouldn’t be wasting time on giving awards and signing executive orders, all of which will be undone once our next president – and, may I add, our legitimate president – takes office in a week.”
In fact, Squirrelhead Donald will be the country’s first illegitimate president.
Squirrelhead Donald’s tweet seems to suggest that the trend of eliminating all traces of an Obama presidency, threatened by Squirrelhead Donald and Congressional Republicans, such as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), will continue.
“We’re hearing that Squirrelhead Donald isn’t just going to rescind Biden’s medal,” said a political analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’re hearing rumblings of all Presidential Medals of Freedom bestowed by Obama will be nullified. It would be a shocking breach of protocol – not that the Orange Menace would actually care.
“And he apparently has the full support of Congress thanks to the likes of Eddie Munster and Turtlehead. Disgusting!”
FLATLINE has obtained what appears to be a partial list of the medals to be rescinded, along with Squirrelhead Donald’s reasons for recalling them.
|Presidential Medal of Freedom Recipients Bestowed by President Obama|
|Recipient||Reason for Rescinding Medal|
|Kareem Abdul-Jabbar||“Passed out when trying to land that airplane in Chicago. I like co-pilots who don’t pass out when trying to land airplanes, OK? #NotMyPilot”|
|George H. W. Bush (R-TX)||“Bush did not support my candidacy, so I do not support him. Next time he jumps out of a plane, I hope he forgets his parachute! Ha ha ha!”|
|Bill Clinton||“Worst president ever! Except for Obama! And Carter! And Johnson! And Kennedy! And Truman! And FDR! #NoDemocratsForPresident”|
|John Glenn||“Caused Apollo 13 disaster – which was not depicted in Tom Hanks movie. I like astronauts who don’t cause space disasters. Not a hero!”|
|Stephen Hawking||“Handicapped person. I like the handicapped – just ask Serge Kovaleski. OK, maybe I don’t like them so much – unless I’m mocking them, OK?”|
|Jack Kemp||“Ran for vice-president under Bob Dole in 1996. Lost election. I don’t like politicians who lose elections, OK? Loser!”|
|Edward Kennedy||“Supported health care efforts which eventually became Obamacare. Obamacare is a disaster, the worst ever! So was Kennedy!”|
|Ethel Kennedy||“Wife of RFK. RFK was assassinated. I like spouses of people who weren’t assassinated, OK? Sad!”|
|Billie Jean King||“Openly gay athlete. Resistant to Mike Pence’s conversion therapy. Could have a tremendous impact if she’s only listen, OK? Criminal!”|
|John Lewis (D-GA)||“Said I am an illegitimate president. Doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s black, so he lives in Hell. What does he know? Loser!”|
|Robert Redford||“Produces bitter lemonade that’s hard to drink. Should have come to me so we could make Trump-brand lemonade. Would have been as successful as Trump Steaks, OK? Sad!”|
|Gloria Steinem||“I love women, and women love me. I’d like to grab them all by the pussy. But not Steinem. She’s only a 4. Look at her! Sad!”|
|Meryl Streep||“Attacked me unjustly and unfairly. Will rescind her academy awards too. Hack!”|
|Pat Summitt||“Winning basketball coach who died from Alzheimer’s. I like people who don’t die from Alzheimer’s, OK? Weak!”|
|Desmond Tutu||“Bishop Tutu is a man. No man should wear a tutu, OK? Sad!”|